Making Your Connections
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Making Your Connections

Photo by David Topping.
Torontoist has a major crush on missed connections, and this one made our day:

West Queen West, Drake/Beacs – m4w
last weekend, at the drake. Or maybe it was the beaconsfield. You are very stylish, wearing an outfit from american apparel. it was colourful. i was skinny, wearing jeans and a t-shirt with my favourite band on it, with a vintage sweater over top. we talked for a bit, and although it was really loud and we’d both had a lot to drink, i remember that you had really great taste in indie music, and you do some artsy/craftsy stuff that sounds really cool. your hair was, um… brownish i think and your eyes were, uh, definitely pretty.
you are also extremely cute. i’m sorry I didn’t make my move. E-mail me.

Kind of funny, right? And, we’re guessing, intentionally so. After all, this guy just typified practically every potential-couple interaction we’ve ever witnessed on West Queen West, and in a manner so vague it could only be lazy satire. If the west end girls are gullible enough, his inbox will be full by midnight. Don’t you wish every missed connection could be so easy, so results-guaranteed, so cut and paste?
Wish no more, single 18-34 males, because Torontoist is here to help. After the jump, we have missed connections for your neighborhood. Just scroll, copy, post, and wait. We dare you.

The Annex, Harbord/Futures – m4w
Yesterday afternoon, in line at Harbord Bakery. Or maybe it was Futures. You look sorta Jewish, or at least Eastern European enough that you could probably put on a Star of David necklace and fool my mother. I was wearing a zip-up hoodie over a plaid collared shirt that hasn’t seen an iron since 1991. While waiting for our pastries, we commiserated about paying loft prices for renovated attic apartments and compared theories on cultural identity in the postcolonial diaspora. Remember, we couldn’t figure out who’s been in grad school longer?
I’m sorry I didn’t let you win that argument. It’s just that you look extremely young for your intelligence. That’s not gender-biased. Is it? E-mail me.

King West, Brant House/West – m4w
Thursday night, at Brant House. Or maybe it was West. You’re attractively aspirational, wearing Jimmy Choo stilettos that cost more than the rest of your outfit put together. I dig that. I was wearing even more expensive shoes and a light pink dress shirt with the collar popped and my tie loosened, because I may be upwardly mobile but I still know how to get down. We talked at the bar after I bought your sixth martini, and although it was hard to hear over the deep house beats, and also I wasn’t listening at all, I remember that you had really great tits. I think you’re also probably blonde.
Did I mention that I just bought a condo in trendy Liberty Village? So far, the only piece of furniture I have is a black leather couch, but I think you’d look really good on it. You have my card. E-mail me.

Leslieville, Red Rocket/Mercury – m4w

This morning, at Red Rocket Coffee. Or maybe it was Mercury. You’re a yummy mummy with a hemp tote bag and no ring. I was wearing dark-rimmed glasses and texting conspicuously on my fancy new handheld device. We chatted, and although it was super-early and we were both a little hopped up on organic espresso, I remember you had some really great things to say about how when Starbucks moves in we’re all going to be drowning in disgusting yuppiedom. I completely agree, plus I think all that advertising/marketing/PR stuff you do sounds really cool.
Your baby is extremely cute and so are you, especially for a single mom. I hope you’re not a lesbian. E-mail me.