Canada, The Scariest Place On Earth
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Canada, The Scariest Place On Earth

We hate to burst your bubble, but there’s a good chance that the government of Australia hates Canada and all Canadians…especially you. This is, of course, nothing more than a wildly inappropriate and unverifiable allegation on our part, but we do have a bit of evidence to support our theory. You see, Australia’s official position on Canada is that we’re a dangerous country to visit.
What did we do to incur the wrath of the normally genial and laid-back Aussies? A quick survey of the latest cricket standings shows Australia in first place overall, while Canada has a solid hold on last place in Group C. So they’re not jealous of our cricket prowess, then.
If you take a look at the Smartraveller website, maintained by the Australian government’s Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade, you’ll see just what an idiot you are to be living in this country. Also, why would they deliberately misspell a website with the word “smart” in it? We don’t know.
Included in the list of potential risks to Australian tourists are the threat of terrorist attacks, crime (which they note is of a similar level to Australia), winter driving, the wind chill factor(?!), earthquakes in BC, avalanches in BC and Alberta, tornadoes (only between May and September, obviously), and bush and forest fires, which can occur “at any time.” They didn’t go so far as to suggest that Australians would be in danger of tsunamis while visiting Canada, but they sure didn’t rule it out, either.
We can take some solace in the fact that regular, everyday Australians are still willing to inflict upon themselves the excruciating agony of visiting our fair country. According to CTV News, William Fisher, the Australian High Commissioner to Canada, noted that “Canada still ranks as the top ‘dream destination’ for Australian tourists,” and that “more than 200,000 Australians visit Canada each year.”
What is perhaps more galling to the average Canadian is the Toronto Star‘s report that the U.S. State Department saw fit to warn its citizens, “Violent crimes such as murder, armed robbery and rape can occur throughout [Canada],” and added, “While Canadian gun control laws are much more strict than those of the U.S., such laws have not prevented gun-related violence in certain areas of Toronto.” It is unclear whether after issuing the statement the U.S. State Department then choked on its own gigantic, hypocritical tongue.
We agree with Canada’s decision not to respond in kind to Australia’s warning to its own citizens, mostly because we figure making a list of all the reasons not to go to Australia would be really, really petty.
Photo by Thiru Murugan.