Televisualist: A Whole New Year For The Idiot Box
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Televisualist: A Whole New Year For The Idiot Box

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

If you’re in the mood for a laugh, get drunk. Alternately, you could watch the Air Farce New Year’s Eve special, but Televisualist feels the need to warn people about the dangers of overexposure to the Royal Canadian Air Farce. (CBC, 8 p.m., repeats at 11 p.m.)
If you’re determined to stay in this New Year’s, or if you just want to have a countdown on telly while you and your friends drink champagne, you have options. Firstly, there is the old standby: Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve, now with eighty percent more Ryan Seacrest and fifty percent less Dick Clark. (ABC, 10 p.m.) If you want something much more pathetic, there is the NBC New Year’s Eve With Carson Daly. (11:30 p.m.) On a more local note, there is always the CityTV New Year’s Eve Bash, which may even feature Ed the Sock, call it a hunch. (11 p.m.) Finally, if you really want to support the Golden Horseshoe, click over to the Niagara Falls New Year’s Eve. (E!, 11 p.m.)

Tuesday

It’s a tradition, so get your hungover ass out of bed and watch the Rose Bowl Parade. Now on your choice of two networks! YOU LOVE A PARADE, DAMMIT. (ABC or NBC, 11 p.m.)
Another type of parade, kind of: Teletoon airs a marathon of Total Drama Island. Pretty much every episode of the series. Now you can be all caught up! (Begins at 12 p.m.)
If you can’t get up in time to watch those parades, yet another entirely different parade—of shame—airs tonight. The Biggest Loser: Couples. Oh, dear. (NBC, 8 p.m.)

Wednesday

New Kitchen Nightmares this week. It’s this or Law and Order reruns, people! Writer’s strike! (Global, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Itchy and Scratchy and Marge.” Marge gets Itchy and Scratchy banned. A classic. (CFMT, 10 p.m.)

Thursday

Celebrity Apprentice, the show nobody wanted and nobody will like, debuts tonight. It promises to answer all sorts of questions. Like “Wait, if Omarosa is only famous for being totally useless on the original Apprentice, why the hell is she a “celebrity” for this show? Were they that desperate?” Of course, the mere presence of Gene “Punch Me In The Cock Before I Spawn Again” Simmons probably answered that for you in advance. (Global, 8 p.m.)
Superman III is noteworthy for being one of the worst superhero movies ever. Yes, worse than Ang Lee’s Hulk. At least in that movie you got to see the Hulk beat up gamma mutant dog monsters for a bit. Superman III exchanges Superman fighting bad guys for toned-down Richard Pryor. Ugh. (Family Channel, 7:30 p.m.)

Friday

A new episode of Friday Night Lights? It is like Christmas came very very very very early this year! (Global, 9 p.m.)
Muppets From Space is pretty entertaining. It’s not on the level of the great, early Muppet flicks, but as quality family entertainments go it’s still above par. Plus, it definitively answers once and for all what the hell Gonzo is. (CKVR, 8 p.m.)

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