Decision day! Zero hour! Tabulation-of-all-the-votes minute! These and many other nicknames have been given to the day of a general election, and they’re all horrible so Torontoist won’t use them again until the next election (which should be the federal election in, oh, let’s say six months or so).
Regardless, this is a very important event, because it’s not every day we all get to pick from a variety of bland-looking middle-aged white guys to run everything in the province and watch an important electoral initiative, the best idea to come along in a while, collapse in flames. So let’s watch the election!
8:42 Global has Warren Kinsella, Jane Pitfield and Marilyn “The Hammer” Churley form Global’s pre-poll-closing panel. Watching electoral teevee before the polls actually close is like watching a limpdicked version of a football pregame show, except even less interesting.
8:44 The girl on Pushing Daisies is awfully cute. They should have cuter people announcing the electoral results. Whatever happened to Muchmusic doing election results?
8:47 Nobody knows anything at all about the MMP referendum! Way to bury it, Liberals and Conservatives!
8:52 With zero percent of polls reporting—because they aren’t closed yet—Global is already predicting riding results.
8:57 A feature on editorial cartoons. Astute observations like “politicians don’t like editorial cartoons.” Boy, this was worth starting a half-hour early, eh?
9:00 CBC, CTV and City are all up and running. CBC is interviewing Allan “I Helped The Tories Completely Collapse In 1993” Gregg, who no longer has long cool rebel hair or an earring or anything. Allan Gregg has sold out to the man even more.
9:04 CTV: “And will the Liberals win only a minority, or will they get a sweeping majority? There’s the suspense.” This of course uses the alternate definition of “suspense,” where it means “not at all interesting at all.”
9:06 CTV has Ernie Eves on its panel—OH GOD I CAN FEEL HIS BLACK HOLE OF CHARISMA SUCKING ME INNNNNNNNNN
9:07 Lambton-Kent-Middlesex “has the first Green Party candidate on the board”, quoth the CBC. With one vote. God, the early portions of a parliamentary election newscast are so stupidly hyperbolic.
9:10 City, for some reason I don’t understand, has put Sheila Copps on television. There are people we can cheerfully keep away from politics in any form whatsoever. Sheila Copps is one of these people. What, was having Adam Vaughn handy to comment on the panel just too good for City? “This panel is too good. We need to make it suck. Somebody call Sheila Copps!”
9:13 Mark Dailey’s starting to show his age. Of course, I know about half a dozen women who would just put on a blindfold and let him do whatever he wanted to them so long as he continuously narrated it. The moral here? Mark Dailey is a golden god.
9:14 CTV’s interviewing Frank De Jong, who has the difficult job of being upbeat about a distant fourth place finish everybody knows is coming.
9:15 CTV projects a Liberal win. And that’s it! Good night, people!
…okay I’ll keep going.
9:16 Popular vote totals: Grits 40%, Tories 35%, NDP 17%, “Other” 8%.
9:18 Hey, an “other” candidate is leading! See, I wish I’d set up a drinking game beforehand so we could bet beers on when the non-big-three candidate drops back into obscurity once again.
9:19 It’s in Davenport, where it’s an independent (non-Green) candidate. Yeah, that’ll last.
9:22 City projects a Grit win. That’s CityTV for you – careful. They waited seven more minutes than CTV.
9:23 Parkdale-High Park has a candidate running named “Zork Hun.” That is the BEST NAME EVER. The parties should be jockeying to offer him a major role based solely on his name.
9:24 City declares it to be a Liberal majority, not just a win, at the same time as they call Greg Sorbara’s return to Parliament.
9:27 The still image of Donna Cansfield makes her look like a cast member on The Golden Girls.
9:28 Popular vote totals: Grits 42, Tories 29, NDP 22, Others 7.
9:29 Global calls Howard Hampton’s re-election; it’s a pretty solid landslide.
9:30 The independent candidate leading in Davenport was apparently just a “computer glitch.” Yeah, that’s what THE MAN wants you to believe. Now leading: Tony “I Am Older Than God” Ruprecht.
9:31 Kathleen Wynne leading John Tory in Don Valley West.
9:32 Frank De Jong on City: “to be a player, you need to win seats.” At least Frank De Jong doesn’t mince words… and apparently, they drink “green beer” at Green Party, uh, parties. The Green Party loves them some Irish people.
9:34 MMP referendum currently at 30 percent in favour. I know, I’m shocked too.
9:37 Current projected seat count: Grits 61, Tories 24, NDP 15.
9:37 Frank Klees gives like his third interview of the evening already letting us know how principled John Tory was for his religious funding stand and how awesome John Tory is and that nasty Dalton McGuinty lied and said it was bad and that’s why the Tories are losing.
9:40 Great election names, volume 2: Torbjorn Zetterlund, of the Greens.
9:41 PC Gary Grant was considered a “star” in his riding. He is currently in third place.
9:42 Allan Gregg is blathering about religious school funding and how it ended the Tories. Pity he’s not a pollster or anything!
9:43 I mock Gregg and Copps and the rest of the futility panel brigade, but let’s put this all in perspective for a moment: I have been watching political television for over forty-five minutes and have yet to see the hideously troll-like visage of Michael Coren. So, you see, it could be worse.
9:44 I have a theory about being interviewed on election night. Just remember to use the phrase “well, anything can happen” two or three times sprinkled throughout your interview, and you can say any dumbassed thing and the political reporter will just nod and smile at you, because you have dispensed wisdom! Anything can happen! (Exception: City’s TV reporters, who are tiny, multicultural pitbulls.)
9:46 Every interview starts with “do you think religious funding killed the Tories?” It doesn’t matter who they interview any more. It’s like a default setting.
9:48 Kathleen Wynne is now solidly ahead of John Tory, by nearly a 2:1 ratio. They’re not calling it yet, but one gets the feeling this is mostly out of a sense of politeness.
9:50 “Is John Tory too progressive for the PC party?” Oh, yes, that’s Tory’s problem.
9:51 Seatcount: Grits 67, PCs 26, NDP 13.
9:52 John Rafferty is leading for the NDP in one of the far-north ridings. They note that this guy has run for the NDP like five times already. It’s kind of nice when a dedicated no-hoper gets into office. I am officially rooting for John Rafferty!
9:54 Mike Kenny, the NDP candidate in Don Valley West, looks completely different in his various profile pictures on the various channels. I don’t mean “different facial expressions” different; I mean “totally different people” different. I suspect he is a shapechanger, but do not know if he is a werewolf yet. Stay tuned.
9:58 Seatcount: 67/25/14.
9:58 Poor Torbjorn Zetterlund goes down to defeat. I was in your corner, Torbjorn! You should get together with Zork Han and talk. I think you could form an unstoppable electoral tag team!
10:00 Dalton McGuinty re-elected.
10:01 In Owen Sound, PC Bruce Murdoch beating the Green Party’s Shane Jolley by about 300 votes with about 1/4 of the votes counted; City’s calling it, but we here at Torontoist refuse to let Shane go down without a fight!
10:03 Sheila Copps blathers about how John Tory made dumb decisions and is responsible for his dumb decisions and he’s dumb. Shut up, Sheila Copps.
10:06 Omni1 is running The Simpsons with a scrolling electoral news bar. This is like heaven.
10:07 Referendum: MMP at 37 percent.
10:09 Did you know this is the first time in 70 years that the Liberals have won back-to-back governments? It’s true, and I know this because every network told me that within a five minute time span. I smell collusion.
10:11 PC candidate Peter Shurman informs us that it is not over till it’s over, and there’s still a lot of polls still to be counted, and there could still be a swing, and nobody’s ever won this riding by a thousand votes before and so it obviously can’t be happening now, he knows this guy in Nigeria who has five million dollars and the guy is willing to share it, and all he needs to do is provide his bank account numbers…
10:13 Everybody’s calling Don Valley West. It hasn’t been close since about the third poll, honestly, but nobody wanted to believe that John Tory was going to get his ass kicked as hard as he has.
10:15 In Owen Sound, Bruce Murdoch is pulling away steadily from Shane Jolley. Oh well.
10:18 Popular vote count: Grits 41%, Tories 30%, NDP 19%, Greens 8%. Seatcount: 70/25/12.
10:20 Peter Shurman gets another interview because he’s caught up to his Grit opponent. He really doesn’t like Dalton McGuinty.
10:22 Shane Jolley interview on CTV – he says that his numbers don’t correspond with CTV’s and… yes… “we have to wait and see.” Who says the Green Party isn’t professional?
10:24 Tory’s caught up a bit to Kathleen Wynne. People are starting to blame the Green Party for the Tory losses tonight. Only starting, mind you. But it ain’t nothing.
10:29 This is the slow bit of election night now; most of the obvious ridings have been called and now it’s the long, slow grind of the few undecided remaining districts.
10:30 It’s “read the emails” time, and you can see the meme forming: Tory voters refused to vote for the PC party this time around because of religious school funding, and instead voted Green in protest. Remember: you heard it here first. This is going to be in every single newspaper tomorrow. After all, they got a few emails from people saying so!
10:32 David Miller’s on City, complaining about lack of municipal funding. You have to admire Miller for sheer consistency.
10:36 Graham Fox, another “star” Tory candidate, is collapsing in Ottawa-Orleans. It’s a trend! I hear the Green Party let the air out of the tires on his campaign bus!
10:40 Kathleen Wynne’s taking the riding; Tory’s conceded the riding and the election via the infamous phonecalls (which the Green Party tapped).
10:41 Tory’s HQ is filled with the sounds of supporters making “we’re still relevant” noise, and McGuinty’s HQ is filled with the sounds of supporters making “we’re gonna get drunk and laid” noise.
10:43 “DAL-TON! DAL-TON! DAL-TON!” You know, I never really appreciated how chantable McGuinty’s name is.
10:44 Crowd: “FOUR MORE YEARS!” McGuinty: “We’re gonna be here four more years if you don’t let me speak!” Me: “Oh god you are not a funny man, Dalton McGuinty, and you should not even try to tell jokes.”
10:46 Dalton’s thanking the little people and the people who got their asses smacked in no-hope ridings, and now he’s thanking John Tory and Howard Hampton for “accepting the challenge of public life,” which is actually very classy.
10:47 The Grits lost two percent of the popular vote and went up two seats. Way to defeat MMP, Ontario! Good choice there!
10:48 Dalton thanks his wife. His thanks to his opponents actually sounded more heartfelt.
10:49 There are those individuals who can take basic platitudes and elevate them beyond cliche into starry poetry. Dalton McGuinty is, sadly, not one of these people. He turns generalities into even more deeply general-ness.
10:52 Oh come on Dalton give me something specific to make fun of! Cheap rhetoric about cuddly puppies and lovable kids is borrrrrriiiiing! The phrase “we are Ontario” repeated many times does not a speech make!
10:53 “We believe in public healthcare, not private care.” My god he actually stood against something he disapproves of!
10:54 “We stand for public schools, not public funding for private schools! Except for the Catholic ones, since my wife works in one of those.” (Okay, he did not actually say that last part.)
10:56 Bruce Murdoch’s lead over Shane Jolley in Owen Sound has gotten a bit smaller, but unless Jolley stuffed a lot of ballot boxes I don’t think it’s happening.
10:57 Kathleen Wynne: “WE DID IT!” Well, yeah, she gets to celebrate. I think destroying the career of John Tory is worth at least one bottle of champagne.
10:58 Dalton McGuinty is talking with CTV and he has a headset on and he looks like the biggest dork in the world, I swear to God—was Dalton McGuinty in his high school’s AV club? Because he totally looks like an AV club alumni. I am not even slightly kidding.
11:00 John Tory’s concession speech. He’s being very classy as regards to Kathleen “Suck It, John Tory” Wynne.
11:01 Peter Shurman’s pulled ahead of his Liberal opponent in Thornhill. That’s what all that Nigerian blood money buys you: raw political power.
11:02: John Tory repeats himself, saying once again that all parties have to come together to demonstrate what government can do. I understand John Tory’s middle name is Red.
11:03 John Tory’s French is comedically bad. Worse than Preston Manning bad. Worse than Inspector Clouseau bad.
11:07 John Tory’s speech is like John Tory: competent, heartfelt, and really, really boring.
11:08 John Rafferty in the wintry frozen north (well, Thunder Bay, close enough) is still leading. GO, JOHN RAFFERTY! You look like a young, trim Santa Claus!
11:14 There’s still a handful of ridings in contention, but at this point the story of the election is More Of The Same, with a side dish of The Green Party Used Hypnotism To Convince John Tory To Push Religious Funding.
And with that, I’m going to bed. Good night, Zork Han, wherever you may be; I hope you are not eaten by a Grue. Good night, Torbjorn Zutterhelm, and I hope your future inevitable speed metal band truly rocks the house. Good night, Peter Shurman; this was indeed a lucky night for your personal insanity to suddenly reflect what actually happened. Good night, Howard Hampton, as your supporters chant “Howie” (which sounds lame). Good night, John Tory; go have a large drink or three. And good night, Dalton McGuinty; you now have permission to kiss your wife like you mean it, assuming that interests you particularly.