Rosie DiManno sucks. Every day, poor Toronto Star readers are subjected to another over-the-top, awkwardly-written, occasionally-insulting column about the day’s top depressing story from the purple-streaked purveyor of pulp. Some simply can’t take it: according to a friend of Torontoist’s who worked customer service for the paper, DiManno is the leading editorial cause of subscription cancellations. So, from this point on, Torontoist is featuring the very very worst of Rosie DiManno. No longer shall we turn a blind eye to her literary atrocities; no longer shall we stand idly by as she destroys a paper that we kinda like. We’d say “enjoy,” but you probably won’t––that’s the point.
The first paragraph of today’s “Wills a case not of love, but obsession,” about Richard Wills, who is accused of murdering Lavinia (Linda) Mariani:
The eternal love that Richard Wills has ardently proclaimed for his dead mistress was gone baby gone, by the time he stuffed her inert body in a garbage can.
5/6 DIMANNOS (The more DiMannos, the worse the column is.)
This one’s pretty brutal––the “gone baby gone” thing is bad (is Wills a Violent Femmes fan or something?)––but it’s the complete discord between tones in the sentence that really makes it classic DiManno. The effect of the sudden sinking of tone in the latter half of the sentence is more comedic than serious, not exactly what you’d want to go for when you’re talking about murdered babies. And the end of the article is almost as gruesome as the beginning: Linda, DiManno writes, is “poured onto autopsy tables.” Ew.