World War One Veteran Dies, Owen Sound Swan Dies, Giant Cobra Possibly Dies
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World War One Veteran Dies, Owen Sound Swan Dies, Giant Cobra Possibly Dies

_done_0222youngclemett_230.jpg One of Canada’s last World War One veterans dies at age 107. This leaves only two remaining Great War veterans, the last of whom to pass on is eligible for a state funeral, but neither are interested. Torontoist applauds their humility, because come on—we would totally be about a state funeral. With Gord Downie singing soulful hymns in the background! And Wayne Gretzky would give a tearful speech about what we meant to hockey! And Rick Mercer would—actually we’re not sure what Rick Mercer would do, but we’re sure it would be respectfully entertaining.
Justin Trudeau to seek election as Liberal MP in working-class Montreal riding. Well, whenever we have the next federal election, anyway. Which could be any day now! Really!
Experts are confident that the giant cobra loose in a Church St. home is dead after the extremely cold weather of the last month. The snake, however, has not been found, and—hey, does this sound like a horror movie setup to anybody else? Like, a new family moves into the house, and one night they’re talking about the snake and how it’s gone, and then we cut to a POV camera shot of the evil ghost snake watching them…
Toronto’s infamous “balcony rapist” of the 80s set to go free after serving his twenty year sentence. He isn’t allowed to set foot in Ontario ever again and also isn’t allowed to carry on his person rope, tape, electrical wire, gloves or pliers (which of course raises the question: how do they know when he might have that on him, anyway?).
Second swan beaten to death in Owen Sound. Yes, a second swan has been beaten to death. Meaning that Owen Sound has a serial swan murderer. Man, when they catch this guy, he’s going to have to have some seriously weird explanation for this. I’m talking “a swan ruined my marriage and stole my wife” weird.
And the Islanders beat the Leafs last night, 3–2. No doubt because of the influence of the evil ghost snake! OOOooooOOOOOoooOOOOOOOoooooo.
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