Valentine's Day: It's Not Just For Lovers Anymore
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Valentine’s Day: It’s Not Just For Lovers Anymore

All right, time to face reality: Valentine’s Day is 2 days away, and you’re still single. Dateless. Planless. You got nothin’.
You’ve perused Torontoist’s list of fun, naughty Valentine’s events, but you’re really not into going to any of them alone. You’re figuring you just won’t leave the house on Wednesday. You hate Valentine’s Day even when you’re not single: who wants to be surrounded by nauseatingly cute couples fawning over each other? Blech! You’ll stay in, microwave a frozen entree, curl up on the sofa with a South Park DVD, think about how much fun your exes are having with their new significant others… No, that’s no good either. But what are your options?
Fear not! Torontoist feels your pain — and, as it turns out, so do lots of other Torontonians. Our Valentine’s guide for singletons, after the jump.

1) If you’re recently single: DO NOT stay at home and brood. Get your sad, bitter ass over to the Chelsea Room (923 Dundas Street W), where an impressive lineup of talent will be waiting to cheer you up. Author Christopher Moore will be launching You Suck: A Love Story, which sounds kind of like an Anne Rice novel rewritten by Jim Munroe. There will also be anti-Valentine’s comedy courtesy of Maggie Cassella, and music from DJs Sasha van Bon Bon and Secret Agent. It’s all brought to you by This Is Not A Reading Series, it’s free, doors open at 7 and the event runs till 10.
2) If you’re single and broke (but can scrape together five bucks): Drop by the Brunswick House (481 Bloor W) at 9 for a “Broke-Ass Heart Jam” with local “broke-ass comedy troupe” Morbio. They do live sketch comedy with video and music.
3) If you’ve been single for so long that you’re bored with using your vibrator for its intended purpose, and have been wondering what else it can do: Well then you MUST bring your battery-operated boyfriend on down to the Grand Prix Dildo Race at Thrush Holmes Empire (1093 Queen W). Bring a hard plastic toy, new batteries, and a condom; the race starts at 7:00 sharp, so get there a bit early. Prizes will be awarded for:

1) the HEATS winner
2) the best dressed dildo (yes! dress ’em up!)
3) the most innovative re-working of a vibe (yes, make
sumfin’ nutty!)

It’s all free, and will end with “a parade of vibes to the after-party” somewhere else on Queen West. E-mail the organizers for details.
4) If you’re single, and you find the whole concept of romantic love irrelevant and obsolete in our post-humanist, trans-subjective, late-capitalist context: Cinematheque is screening Norbert Pfaffenbichler’s feature debut, Notes On Film 02, for free. Inspired by Robert Frank’s O.K. End Here, a 1963 short film about “a relationship on the rocks in a Manhattan apartment,” Pfaffenbichler moved the story to “an indistinct Modernist mecca” and then, as Cinematheque’s writeup explains, edited “the whole thing based on mathematical equations derived from his digital editing software programme.” The result is described as “Antonioni’s detachment meets Final Cut Pro meets Fibonacci.” Be at Jackman Hall in the AGO (317 Dundas Street W) by 6:30, and be ready to have your preconceptions about love and narrative deconstructed.
5) If you’re single, and you’re actually okay with that — no, really — and you’d like to hang out with others who feel the same way: There don’t seem to be any International Quirkyalone Day events planned for Toronto on the 14th, but it’s not too late to throw something impromptu together. As the website explains:

International Quirkyalone Day is not anti-Valentine’s Day. It’s NOT a pity party for single people. It’s an alternative–a feel-good alternative to the marketing barrage of Valentine’s Day….It celebrates true romance (as opposed to the fake versions presented to us in reality dating shows), independence, creativity, friendship, and all kinds of love–including love for yourself.

Check out the Quirkyalone messageboards for local meetups — or just round up some unattached pals, and go buy each other some beers. Talk about ideas, make each other laugh, and don’t let the lovebirds get you down.
Photo by Nadia Halim.