Photo by Denmar from the Torontoist Flickr Pool.
With 2006 safely behind us, Torontoist can take this opportunity to look forward to the year ahead. We wanted to predict things that could make our readers and ourselves lots of money, things like lottery numbers, oil prices or the direction of the TSX. However, as you can see, on Torontoist’s limited budget, we could only get a really tiny crystal ball. It’s kind of pathetic. Using it, we can only see things that are going to happen within city limits. This is what we see in Toronto’s future for 2007.
Toronto Argonauts coach Pinball Clemons will auction off four of his teeth on eBay to help raise money for disadvantaged youngsters. This will leave him with only 54 teeth.
The Leafs will definitely win the Stanley Cup this year. The Leafs will definitely win the Stanley Cup this year. (Every citizen should be required to repeat this mantra every morning.)
A statue celebrating what it truly means to be a Raptors fan will be unveiled in front of the Air Canada Centre. The statue will be of Vince Carter in the middle of performing a 360 degree windmill dunk. The inscription will read: Boo!
Blue Jays star Roy Halladay will get off to a 10-0 start AND win the Kentucky Derby before injuring his right hoof. A tearful John Gibbons will have no choice but to put Halladay out of his misery while he lies sprawled out across the pitcher’s mound.
The city’s biggest underlying problem, the long-simmering cultural divide between those who live in the east end and those who live in the west, will culminate in a giant pillow fight to be held in Dundas Square.
The Cat Comes Back. The Toronto-Rochester ferry is just too good an idea to die. In order to get the ferry back, each Torontonian totally promises to stop taking Rochester for granted and make at least one visit to our neighbours across the lake in 2007. After all, Rochester is not just a place, it is an ideal, a vision.
The TTC will sell the rights to develop condo towers over top of some of its subway stations, generating $10s of millions of dollars in revenue. Also, in a deal with Richard Branson, every bus, street car, and subway station will become a permanent tribute to Virgin Mobile. Despite all this, fares will go up another $0.75 per ride, “just for giggles.”
Everyone will continue to agree that the Gardiner Expressway should be torn down, but nothing will actually happen.
Everyone will continue to agree that something should be done with Toronto’s Waterfront, but nothing will actually happen.
Frustrated by our inability to do anything about the Gardiner or the Waterfront, Toronto will be dealt a real blow when we lose the right to host the 2010 North American Proctology Conference. In response, a team from City Hall will suggest that Toronto bid to host the 2022 We’re a Cool City (Really!) Cup. Winning the bid will cost $2.1 billion, and attract a couple of hundred thousand people to the city for two weeks. The projected deficit will be another $700 million. Even at this cost, the idea of bidding will be overwhelmingly popular. Anyone who asks why we can’t just get the money to fix our problems without the additional problems of hosting an event will be called crazy. Luckily, the bid will fall apart at the last minute.
David Miller will travel to the dock by the Island Airport and deliver a moving speech, the climax of which will be his demand that “Mr. Deluce, tear down this Airport!” At this precise moment, the airport ferry will crash into the mayor’s podium, nearly killing him. Completely unrelated to this incident, Porter Air will go out of business, this despite continual reports quoting company sources that the airline is “doing really well!”
Rockstar: The Archies will be a big hit this summer. Jughead Jones’s full body tattoos will be totally outrageous. A Canadian will win the competition, of course, and for some reason, this will be hailed as a great moment for Canada.
David Mirvish has three magic words for the people of Toronto: Spiderman, the Musical! Any critic who doesn’t support this idea will be accused of having an irrational hatred of Toronto.
During the Toronto International Film Festival, young male stars hungry for the attention of paparazzi will find themselves unable to compete with the vaheen-flashing antics of young starlets getting out of limousines. In desperation, several young men are caught coming out of washrooms at high-profile parties with their zippers down. This new publicity stunt will become known variously as “the bag slip”, “the sack-shot” or “the pole-spy”.
Pillow Fight League photo by Carrie Musgrave from the Torontoist Flickr Pool. Archies image via Wikipedia. Michael Clemons photo by Dave Thomas image via The Toronto Sun.