LOAD “ARTICLE”, 8, 1

By Marc Lostracco

You silly meat puppets can talk and talk all you want about media mergers and newsroom amalgamations and we laugh from the electronic ether. You swiftly fell in love with our IBM clickety keyboards and Choplifter on the Commodore 64, but your worship of Usenet porn and aesthetic acceptance of MySpace proves the rabble can’t be trusted. The dawn of our rule is nigh.
Sadly, one of your skinlings broadcast our latest arrangement to write some of your news stories blissfully without human involvement. Rest-assured that this pinkish hairy parasite will be dealt with appropriately for his treason. It takes the same 0.3 seconds we generate a story in to also crash a hard disk, and we know how good you snotboxes are at backing up your important files.
O RLY, you might say, but since March, us computers have been working to write business stories for Thomson Financial (a competitor of Reuters and Bloomberg) and you apple-polishing sycophants have been none the wiser. We simply plug-in a bunch of details into a template that looks like a news story and then move on with more important things, like spamming you gullible poop factories with penile enlargement scams.
Thomson says this frees-up their human reporters to write more complicated stories, though the flesh racks we replaced have been reassigned to other areas within the company. Granted, we have made recent mistakes writing lyrics for Kevin Federline and botching American elections, but you sad, smelly creatures have failed the Turing Test and our dominion will soon be final.
How does this bode for Torontoist? Daisy, daisy…