Film Friday: Every Week, There is a Column, which DEFINES A GENERATION.
Ah, another week, another Film Friday. But wait! There’s something special this week to break up the monotony! An extra special review of the (heavily delayed) Pulse brought to us by our superhuman photographer and co-editor David Topping. What do you have to say about it, David?
Pulse may be both the worst and best movie of all time. It’s not an even halfway-decent horror movie, so don’t go expecting something like The Shining – it’s an unnecessary poorly-made remake of yet another Japanese horror movie, and there’s not a single moment of suspense. It’s never scary – instead, it’s really, really funny when it’s trying really hard to be scary. Although it certainly entertained everyone at the free screening, one guy summed it up nicely when he yelled midway through the movie (as everyone was laughing their asses off after a sneak laundry attack by a ghost), “I’d be pissed off if I had to pay for this.” Followed, of course, by more laughter.
So, give that one a miss, then. Thanks David! That makes up for the fact that the big lead film this week is World Trade Center, and good taste requires that we can’t do our usual shtick, which is slag off the film and/or subject. Given middling but kind reviews, the only point of note is Cameron Bailey’s remark that with a moustache Cage is stripped of his “Freakish charisma”. Which is insane. Cage is about as charismatic as a tent pole… That an escaped convict is forcing into your bumhole.
We got so bored of even thinking about Nick Cage just there that we got distracted and watched Brian Posehn’s music video, Metal By Numbers, instead of continuing to write. Bob Odenkirk is in it!
The thing is, we were actually on Youtube to try and find the TV spot for Step Up, because it’s absolutely amazing. Seriously. we mean, the movie is going to be total crap, no doubt, but the voiceover man says, without a hint of irony in his gravelly tones, “Once every ten years a movie comes along that captures the voice of a generation. At recent screenings, audiences had declared that Step Up IS THAT FILM.”
What the hell?
No, really. What the hell?
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL?
Also out this week! Quinceañera, which much like World Trade Center has been given lukewarm reviews, well, apart from loveable old John Harkness, who leads “Quinceañera won both the Audience Award and the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance, allowing the hard indie crowd to get all heart warmed over My Big Fat Chicana Sweet 15 Party. Well, it must have been an awful Sundance.” He still gives it 3 Ns, though.
This week’s other new release, Conversations with Other Women, uses a split-screen throughout the entire movie. You know, the split-screen technique was a fairly big gimmick for the (poorly remembered) horror film Wicked, Wicked in the 60’s, which advertised that it needed special projectors at any cinema that wanted to show it. If only Conversations with Other Women used such absurd marketing. But then we have pathetic also-rans like Step Up desperately using up all the hyperbole, I guess.
It’s actually a fairly good week for unusual screenings, though – The Hot and Spicy Food Festival is showing the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on Sunday at 2pm (at the Harbourfront Centre), and on Tuesday Resfest are screening films from their Straight 8 Super 8mm film event at the Drake Hotel (1150 Queen W.) at 9pm. There’s also the Filmi South Asian Film Festival and the Aids Toronto Film Festival.