Film Friday: SCOOP! TOM CRUISE BREATHES AIR, USES LEGS TO WALK
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Film Friday: SCOOP! TOM CRUISE BREATHES AIR, USES LEGS TO WALK

This is not Tom Cruise.So, we’ve been busy enough with Hot Docs to almost forget that they, you know, are releasing films which aren’t documentaries this week (madness!) Indeed, craziness of craziness, they’re even holding other festivals this week! So we’d feel terrible if we forgot to mention the Toronto Jewish Film Festival, opening tomorrow night with a showing of Jesus is Magic, Sarah Silverman’s concert film which, to our memory, did rather well as a Midnight Madness showing at TIFF 2005. An unusual choice for the fest, however! All thoughts of her ethnicity aside, do we (that’s Torontoist) actually like Sarah Silverman? We can’t tell. She was in Mr. Show, okay, so she gets a million points for that. But her solo shtick (“I’m sexy and say horrible things!”) is a bit… I mean, yawn, right? I guess if you found The Aristocrats funny this might float your boat.
But let’s be nice, there’s a lot more to the Toronto Jewish Film Festival than that, and you can see it all at their website. We are particularly intrigued by Strange Fruit, the tale of Billie Holiday’s beautiful, yet chilling song, which was originally, and surprisingly, written by Abel Meeropol, a young Jewish schoolteacher from the Bronx. But Private, Italian director Saverio Costanzo’s incendiary, unreleased feature about Israeli soldiers occupying a Palestinian household is probably the bravest choice of the festival and sounds well worth seeing.
“Oh enough about festivals”, you moan, waving your hands at me, so I oblige with TOM CRUISE GOSSIP! DID you HEAR about TOM CRUISE? HE IS IN A FILM WHAT IS COMING OUT THIS WEEK
Is this Tom Cruise?Mission Impossible 3, folks! We haven’t seen anyone review it yet, but here’s our issue with it, right? Before we’ve even seen it. The trailer, okay, it has that bloke out of Capote in it. And he’s all, “Yo Tom, I’m going to torture your woman, then I’m going to kill you right in front of her” And Torontoist is all, wait, what? I mean, he’s such a good guy he’d hate for his girlfriend to be extra traumatized by watching him die? That’s idiotic. So you could go and see, say… Art School Confidential instead, Dan Clowes and Terry Zwigoff’s new flick. But it hasn’t really got a great response, even though we all liked Ghost World, right? Eye Weekly’s Jason Anderson contends “this spotty, fitfully amusing story of an idealistic young artist’s (mis)education is bound to be a letdown.”, but does admit “It’s fun for a while, though.”. Meanwhile NOW’s Cameron Bailey states that he thinks the (not in it) Scarlett Johansson is “Moist and vulnerable”. Hey, we like her as much as the next guy, but that’s just… Disturbing, so we should do our best to distract you.
DID you KNOW that TOM CRUISE’S SPERM WORKS? It can TOTALLY IMPREGNATE A WOMAN!!!1111
That should do it.

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