Howdy! It’s Christmas time again, that time of year where you’re either so insane with loneliness that you’ll choose to be in a cold dark cinema just to feel like you’re near people, or that you’ve been driven so mad by the constant attention of your family that you’ll choose to be in a cold dark cinema just to feel like you’re alone. So what will you see?
First up is Brokeback Mountain, which can either be called ‘Bareback Mountain’ or ‘The gay cowboy film’ if you’re feeling funny, when instead you should possibly be calling it ‘an intense and personal love story that will linger with you for days afterwards’ if you’re not a tiresome bore, perhaps. It’s really nothing as tawdry as two cowboys going at it while a rodeo clown watches. You may wish to give it a shot (the film, not rodeo porn).
Still riding the serious horse, you could instead go and see Munich, Senor Speilbergo’s take on the horrible aftermath of the horrible murder of 11 Israeli athletes by the PLO at the 1972 Munich Olympics. Based on the 1984 book Vengeance from Toronto writer George Jonas (The more you know™) sounds interesting simply because the early word is that Speilberg simply doesn’t hate Palestinian terrorists anywhere near as much as he hates Nazis (if at all). Far too loaded an issue for Torontoist to get involved with, “Too baggy and inconsistent to be the director’s best film, Munich still qualifies as Spielberg’s most provocative and unsettling work to date.” Is the last word (more or less) of Eye Weekly’s Jason Anderson on the film, and now ours as well.
Mrs. Henderson Presents is WWII set and a good deal less fantastical than the recent WWII set Chronicles of Narnia, but with a great deal more boobs. Though Mrs. Henderson may be presenting them, as she is played by Judi Dench we’re all bloody glad the boobs are not actually hers. Christopher Guest is in it! Also boobs. Did we mention boobs? (There’s not much else to say.)
Crikey, there are a lot of films out this week. You could try Cheaper by the Dozen 2, if you wish to erase the memory of a fat, old, creepy Steve Martin in Shopgirl from your memory (he’s thin and cheery, here), also featuring Toronto’s own Eugene Levy, in what is clearly a rubbish movie.
Ignore that and perhaps watch Australian people be ripped apart in the
Sydney race riots, I mean in Wolf Creek, which is, we are told, super horrific. Boring samey lone lunatic murders stupid kids plot, though.
Heath Ledger, also featuring in Brokeback, also an Australian perhaps worthy of being taken out into the woods and murdered, returns to a time when merely having vanilla sex with a willing female was enough to get the church up in arms in Casanova. The trailer makes It look so cookie cutter (creepycharming guy versus headstrong independent woman) that you might as well rent Down with Love… Or whatever film it was that ripped off. Or just stick your head in the oven with the turkey.
No, listen, seriously, you might be getting the opinion here that Jolly old Torontoist actually hates cinema. We don’t. We actually love it – when it’s good. Transamerica, for example, features an amazing performance from William H. Macy’s desperate housewife, Felicity Huffman, as an entirely convincing transvestite. Why not actually cast a transvestite, Hollywood? Eh? Why not cast a real life fat ugly female murder in Monster, eh? Fascists.
(There we go, complaining again.)
I guess they did go and cast actual, um, special people in The Ringer, the Farrelly Brother’s new ‘how far can we push it?’ comedy based around a faker in the Special Olympics. Uh, South Park already did this in a tight half hour. Why bother stretching it out with extra poo jokes, while undoubtedly losing the satire?
And finally, Rumour Has it… released on Christmas day. Who would go and see this on it’s opening day? People who’ve shagged a guy who did both their mum and their granny and want to see it immortalized on celluloid? At Christmas? Torontoist would rather go and see The Family Stone than this.
So, if nothing in the multiplexes make you want to break out the party poppers, The Toronto Public Space Committee presents Street Nurse at 7pm Dec 27th, at the Bloor Cinema, 406 Bloor West. A documentary through the eyes of Toronto’s ‘Street Nurse’ Cathy Crowe, it includes a Q&A with the director Shelley Seywell and Crowe.