It’s fairly commonplace to feel the sting of rejection after a break-up. We often ask ourselves painfully self-conscious questions like “Am I too fat?” or “Will I ever be happy?” and “Now who am I supposed to have sex with?”
But resourceful TOist columnists Paige and Adrian are women and men of action. Instead of moping around the house, listening to Elton John’s “This Train Don’t Stop” on repeat, the energetic blogging duo hit the shops, treadmills and salons in a concerted effort to look better than their ex-loves. Here is how they do…
Adrian the Adorable A-Hole
Move aside Job Interview. May I have that seat Final Exam? Are you going to finish that, Credit Card Statement?
When it comes to boiling the blood pressure, nothing quite measures up to the always-uncomfortable run-in with one’s ‘Ex’. The stress associated is enough to make you feel as sick as that green-cheeked msn emoticon looks.
Following a breakup, especially at a young age, you tend to associate in a linked group of friends. So when one of these somewhat mutual friends decides to hold a fundraiser (will explain later), both parties feel obliged to attend. This therefore makes the encounter inevitable. Such situations are even more taxing on your nervous system because you constantly foresee how the evening will unfold. You think of what witty opening line you should throw out, to show them what – in your mind- they are missing… or in their mind, aren’t missing.
Not to be outdone by their big brother are the unfortunate random encounters. Be it a grocery store, movie theatre, shopping mall, nightclub or virtually anywhere, the initial shock of spotting your ex can be comparable to a Mike Tyson jab in the gut. The possibility of an ad-lib conversation can render even the smoothest of us speechless.
So what do we do? Well. Thankfully it can be broken down to a simple formula of avoid, avoid, diet, avoid, date someone hotter, diet, avoid.
As planned as this topic may seem, it’s actually pure irony that Paige and I are speaking about it on the very same day I am forced to encounter an ‘ex’ of my own. As I mentioned before, a friend of ours is throwing a fundraiser tonight and we both got the e-vite.
There are only a few fun things that come when you break up with someone. For instance, that moment when you realize you can make-out with anyone you want, or when you get to embarrass the people who ask if you’re still seeing him with the depressing tales of your last days as a couple. But really the best thing about a breakup is all those times post-dump that you get to look better, act cooler, be more
wanted, and just generally come off in a better light than your ex-boyfriend.
I won’t say that I am a pro at this whole “impressing the ex” idea, but I do fully believe in it. The tiny bit of happiness which comes with knowing you’re better off than the guy you used to date is crucial in getting through the first few single months.
And the next few years too, if jealousy and spite make you that effective at keeping in touch with each other.
Many times I have used my gay boyfriend, or one of his friends, to get back at an ex. Gay boyfriends work so well because they make a guy realize just how much he is still concerned with your canoodling. Because even if you’re necking at the bar with a boy who doesn’t like girls, it’s still easy to convince your ex otherwise. And then he will get jealous, that is until he discovers how harmless the whole setup actually is, and how foolish the whole thing makes him look. Now he feels like an overly-jealous stalker, who is concerned with your every move and you got to spend the night “making-out” with your gay boyfriend! Mua ha ha.
Think about Zach inventing a fake Italian girlfriend during last night’s The OC, just to make Summer jealous. Sure Zach looked childish and lame for doing so, but consider how that idea could have worked if Summer hadn’t found out the truth about Francesca. The trick to the fake new love interest is simple: get your parents in on the lies. After all, my mom doesn’t want me to look any less impressive to an ex than I do. I might as well use this to my advantage.
Spending an extra hour getting ready on a night you might see him at the bar is normal. Making sure he never hears about anything negative in your life is also acceptable behaviour. Requiring that your friends constantly surround you when you are out, and making sure you never stop laughing or smiling in that “I’m over you and better than you!” manner is also completely acceptable, and truly necessary (for the first month post-breakup, at least). So there is nothing wrong with wanting to make sure you always look hot for your ex-boyfriend.
And when in doubt, use your blog or journal to your own advantage because you know your ex secretly reads it. Post about every new guy you like, and when in doubt rehash tales of old crushes just for extra emphasis. Don’t think of it as an action motivated by spite, rather consider this as a necessary act of self-preservation.