Will -Or Can- Kerry Take Out The Trash?
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Will -Or Can- Kerry Take Out The Trash?

Is it possible that John Kerry’s election could actually have a negative impact for Torontonians?
While it certainly wouldn’t be drastic enough to convince locals to wish for Mr. Bush’s reelection, there is one issue dear to the Junior Massachusetts Senator’s heart that could impact in an adverse manner upon our own fair city.
Earlier in September, the immaculate coif that straddles Kerry’s head shook and bobbed with uncharacteristic vitality as the Democratic presidential candidate furrowed his tall brow and vowed to the voters of Michigan that he’d start turning back Toronto’s 120 daily truckloads of trash. A sobering possibility, to be sure; were we to suddenly have to find a new home for three and a quarter million tonnes of garbage a year, we’d likely be in a world of, well, garbage.
It is, however, unlikely that JFK’s stumping on the issue will bear fruit for the Lower Peninsular farmers and bible-belt survivalists whose annexed land has begun collecting Second Cup coffee grounds and discarded copies of Geist. While Kerry, in condemning Michigan’s becoming “Canada’s landfill,” is likely to pick up a few votes in places like Bay City and Grand Rapids (and more power to him), he’s probably well aware that he’s not actually capable of stopping the shipments.
While the Senator cites Environmental Protection Agency regulations concerning the entry of Canadian waste into the US as a means by which President K. could stymie the Canadian menace, said regulations actually only apply to hazardous wastes. Should the POTUS choose to follow through on any promises made to Michiganians, he’d need Congress to redefine the term ‘Hazardous Waste,’ a move which would garner little support.
The good news for Torontonians is twofold: on the one hand, we can keep on covering Michigan in filth; on the other, we can continue to wish George W. Bush a speedy exit from office.