A chaos-loving squirrel writes an op-ed that explains everything that goes bad in Toronto.
Relief Line is your not-so-serious glance at the city we love.
Yeah, I did it. I am the squirrel that chewed up all those stupid Christmas tree lights in Mel Lastman Square. I chewed ’em up real good. I am not apologizing either. It’s not like any of you nerds are going to do anything about it. I do whatever I want in this town and that includes snacking on some Christmas decorations whenever I damn well please.
Why? I am a squirrel, that’s why. I live for chaos. This time it was Christmas lights, but next time it might be something else. I don’t respect any of your faiths or traditions. You want to put up an illuminated Hanukkah menorah? I’ll chomp on that, too. What else you got? I have no issue noshing on Kwanza decorations or munching on some Chinese New Year’s lanterns. I literally don’t care.
Sabotaging your most sacred holidays is just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve been messing with your crap all year round and you don’t even know it. You know when the TTC says there’s a subway delay because of problems with the signalling system? Yup, that’s me. I weasel my way into that signal system and have a big, ole’ feast. Enjoy the shuttle buses, chumps.
Your media portrays me as a lovable scamp, but they’ve got it all wrong. I may look like a hyperactive rodent only concerned with digging up nuts, but I’m a cold and calculated nihilist undermining the very fabric of Toronto. I am tearing this town apart, one windowsill herb garden at a time.
You don’t get it, do you? I am coming for everything you hold dear. You say your birdfeeders are for Blue Jays and Robins only? I laugh at this. These artificial labels and boundaries mean nothing to a renegade like me. What about those hapless raccoons you blame for knocking over your precious green bins? They’re just patsies. It’s always been me spraying compost around your driveways. And you’re probably still wondering who sprung the capybaras from the High Park Zoo? How could you be so naïve? I will flood this city with capybaras and nothing will stand in my way.
Am I starting to blow your mind? If so, you better sit down because I have only begun to reveal the extent of my power. You remember the Great 2003 Blackout? Oh yeah, that was yours truly. I shut down the eastern seaboard’s power grid on a squirrelly whim. Now do you really think your so-called leaders can protect your precious, little Christmas trees from me? I am the lord of all creation, destroyer of worlds.
Ha-ha! Look at you fools! Of course I didn’t cause the 2003 Blackout. Are you really that gullible? I am a squirrel for God sakes! Do I look like some criminal mastermind? I can barely remember where I stashed my acorns for the winter. Of course, while you were reading all this I did take a poop in your Christmas stockings.
Happy holidays, dipshits.