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culture

Televisualist: Germany Won, Let’s Move On

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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Scott Speedman would go on to find fame as the vampire/werewolf hybrid thingy in the Underworld movies, and you might laugh at that, but he got paid real money for them.

Monday

The season finale of 24 is upon us, and we boldly predict that Jack Bauer will, despite significant odds, not die in this season finale. (Global, 9 p.m.)

CHCH airs Kitchen Party, Gary Burns’s “anti-teenage-party movie.” It doesn’t really fit in with the rest of his oeuvre, which tends to be about city life—particularly city life in Calgary (see The Suburbantors, waydowntown, etc.)—but it’s got a crazy sort of anarchic “screw your traditional plot, we’ll do what we like” attitude toward teen-party moviemaking, which is nice, given how sterile the genre’s rebellion often becomes. (9 p.m.)


Tuesday

It’s the 2014 MLB All-Star Game! Which technically we can’t recommend, because the MLB All-Star Game is in fact even more boring than most other All-Star Games where they take it easy because nobody wants to get injured at what is effectively a meaningless exhibition game—it’s more boring because it’s baseball, which is kind of boring to watch on TV anyway. (Sportsnet, 7:30 p.m.)


Wednesday

HGTV has decided to cut to the chase and just name one of its shows Property Envy, which means we have to get only another five-dozen HGTV shows to change their names, and we’ll finally have 100-per-cent honesty from this channel. (9 p.m.)


Thursday

Dating Naked is pretty self-explanatory, but it’s on M3 (which used to be MuchMoreMusic before they thought “Gee, it would be so much simpler if we could just show foreign shows all the time instead”), so if you are wondering: yes, they blur out all the naughty bits. (9 p.m.)

We like it anytime Jamie Bamber gets to make a television series in which he’s using his actual British accent (it’s all those years of Battlestar Galactica and his flawless California accent that was totally fake), so we will recommend The Smoke—sight unseen—in which he plays a firefighter. (M3, 10 p.m.)

Rush is a show about a doctor (it’s a television show about doctors! Tell Hollywood nobody is breaking the rules here) who works cash-only, because he’s the doctor you call when you don’t want anybody to find out about your medical needs because of crime or the media or stuff. So it’s another show from USA about a doctor for rich people, presumably because it figures Royal Pains doesn’t have too much left in the tank. (SPOILER: Royal Pains didn’t have a lot in the tank to begin with.) (Bravo, 9 p.m.)

Married is a new comedy about Judy Greer and Nat Faxon being married to one another (in the sitcom, not in real life—in real life they are both married to other people). Also, John Hodgman shows up sometimes, so clearly this is better than real life, where John Hodgman barely ever shows up. (FX Canada, 10 p.m.)


Friday

FUN FACT: The Matrix is still pretty great 15 years later! Yes, it’s been 15 years! That’s a whole teenager right there! (W, 9 p.m.)


The Weekend

If you missed the premiere of The Strain, Guillermo del Toro’s new vampires-versus-humanity series (based on the books he wrote with Chuck Hogan), you can catch it again along with the second episode this weekend, and also count how many visual tricks del Toro stole from Blade for this show. (FX Canada, 9 p.m. Sunday)

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