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Extra, Extra: Rob Ford’s Bench Presses, Rob Ford and WorldPride, and Prize-Winning Poets

Every weekday’s end, we collect just about everything you ought to care about or ought not to miss.

  • Mayor Rob Ford will be taking part in WorldPride, or at least in a WorldPride video. He inspired the tagline for the video above—”Toronto: the only thing we hide in the closet is our mayor.”
  • Rob Ford was not intoxicated on Easter Monday when he took an unidentified woman back to his office at City Hall and was captured on security footage stumbling and falling in the City Hall parking garage. Not one bit. “He had muscle spasms in his legs but that is about as far as I saw,” said his brother and campaign manager Doug. ““He was bench pressing a lot of weight, and it was ripping up his legs and [he was] just trying to stretch his legs out to get the spasms away. He could barely even walk because they were so sore.” Say no more. We are convinced, do not believe Doug is lying and/or an enabler, and agree with him that the main point here is that what is “staggering” is that the media so twists everything, and not that his brother was innocently staggering around City Hall because he’d done too many bench presses.
  • “Eccentric veteran councillor” Giorgio Mammoliti is facing questions after “Re-Elect Giorgio Mammoliti” signs popped up at Arrow Road and Deerhide Crescent. Such things should not yet be popping up anywhere yet, because according to City bylaws, campaign signs can’t be put out until October 2. “I mean, what more to say?” said challenger Nick Di Nizio. “He’s constantly screwing up.”
  • Toronto-born poet Anne Carson was not expecting to win the $65,000 Griffin Poetry Prize last night. She doesn’t “really like the book” (Red Doc>), and she thought “it wouldn’t be fair” to receive the honour, because she’d been honoured with it before. We have renewed faith that a major poetry prize might be in our future, because while we’re not convinced we could write a book that could inspire the same response Red Doc> got from the Griffin judges (“Words are rescued, morphed and slapped awake. Speech hurtles from vulgar to sublime. Everything accelerates except when a break is introduced disguised as riff, list or song and the mead is served in golden cups”), we are confident we could produce some poetry we wouldn’t really like.

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Comments

  • dsmithhfx
  • Spek

    Luckily Rob is now in a 60-day muscle spasm treatment program.

  • asdf

    Woah, all these years I’ve been bench pressing with my arms… I didn’t know I could use my legs?

    • tyrannosaurus_rek

      Ha!

    • dsmithhfx

      Rob can’t hold a pipe and a lighter with his feet, so he has to keep his hands free.

  • bobloblawbloblawblah

    I think Mammoliti will be happy come October 27th when Ford is finally thrown out with the trash. Giorgio can rightly claim the title of Council Court Jester again after being overshadowed by our Clown Mayor for so long.

  • BjamesT

    Rob is an innovator.

    I’ve done thousands of bench presses in my life, but It’s never involved my legs. What a groundbreaking innovation. I can’t believe the media is twisting this story of Rob’s obvious genius in the field of weight training and self-discipline and suggesting that he might have been drinking on a holiday. Because, seriously, he already promised that he was was done with that. 100% guaranteed.

    • Astin44

      Clearly Doug meant Leg Presses or something. You can’t blame the guy for a little slip-up like that. It’s really hard keeping all your lies straight while coming up with new ones to explain your idiot brother’s behaviour.

  • dannyR

    Rob was also slurring his speech. So I guess he was bench-pressing with his…mouth?

  • Don River

    Doug has yet another brain spasm.

  • Steveinto

    Doug said Robbie was bench pressing with his legs,1200 pounds, as soon as I saw that the word LIE screamed through my head. And these clowns want my vote? Neither can get the lies into a believable form yet they want me to trust them with the city coffers.

    • CanuckleDragger

      Their lies used to be not probable. Now, their not possible.

  • Angie Mac

    “That parrot’s not dead. It’s sleeping!”

  • Alex

    Rob Ford and Doug Ford are the worst examples of good citizens that exist.
    We need to get rid of these bums and get leadership back in key positions.

  • Alex

    In other news, another recent, drunken Rob Ford at City Hall video surfaces. Again. Forever and ever, Amen

    That is so funny!

  • Spy Master

    Strange women at city hall! Bench presses! Leg spasms! The only thing that was spasming that night was Rob Ford’s middle leg! Now get that image out of your head!! Dr. Phil on line 2!

    • ArnieGeddon

      As usual, Dougie buries the lede … the world record for leg presses is about 1,245 pounds, so with a little more training robbie is on the verge of breaking it … what a total guy he is …

      • dannyR

        I think that’s kilograms. But he’s left the other peculiar side-effect of Rob Ford leg-presses—slurred speech—entirely out of the picture. Rob Ford is a medical freak of great interest: someone with his leg nerves connected directly to his speech-centre.

  • NO MORE FORD

    Does it shock anyone else that instead of telling the truth ( Rob was drunk and that is why he is now in rehab… thus ending the story) Doug automatically lied… it’s like even when the truth is logical and probably easily accepted by others, it’s just a reflex with these guys: lie first, think later… Does he understand that it won’t ever end as long as he continues to create reality and try and sell it… we’ve not buying it, we see the man behind the curtain and it’s not pretty…. step down, step away… leave.