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culture

Televisualist: Of Course A Rural Québécois Speaks With an Ontario Accent!

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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FUN FACT: On this show, they pronounce it “met-row-paul-eee-tayne.”

Monday

The Following, that incredibly dopey Kevin Bacon vs. The Serial Killers show that became inexplicably popular last year, is back! Guess what’s going to happen this season? If you guessed “more Kevin Bacon versus serial killers,” then you are probably right! (CTV, 9 p.m.)

The Toronto Raptors visit the Brooklyn Nets, which we mention primarily because on Saturday night, after DeMar DeRozan went down with an ankle sprain (caused by former Raptor and Torontoist Villain Hedo Turkoglu, now playing for the Clippers and apparently trying to take the Most Despised Ex-Raptor title from Vince Carter), Terrence Ross scored 51 points, which in basketball is Something That Barely Ever Happens. So now, with DeRozan out for the Brooklyn game, all eyes will be on Ross to see if he can pull off anything even remotely close to that legendary performance. (TSN, 7:30 p.m.)


Tuesday

Oh, hey, the network TV premiere of Thor? Yeah, we’re down for some Thor. We’re so down, we aren’t even going to make any puns or cheap gags on “Thor” as a lisped “sore.” We’re better than that. Well, not really. (Global, 8 p.m.)

It’s the annual State of the Union, and we will bet anybody a dollar that the State of their Union is strong! It’s never not strong, really. (All major U.S. networks, 9 p.m.)


Wednesday

Tonight you can watch Super Bowl’s Greatest Commercials 2014, which lets fans of commercials for products vote on the best commercial for a product ever to air during the Super Bowl. There may even be a sneak preview of this year’s commercials for products! (CBS, 8 p.m.)

19-2, Bravo’s new (Canadian-produced) cop drama, is an English-language remake of the Quebec-made, French-language cop drama of the same name. Except here’s the thing: the series is still set in Montreal, but everybody speaks English all the time—up to and including the co-lead whose character is supposed to be from rural Quebec. …We don’t get it? (9 p.m.)

Bravo also has the second season of Homeland debuting tonight, in case you didn’t watch it last year and don’t know how bad the second season of Homeland was yet. (SPOILERS: it was pretty bad.) (10 p.m.)

Slice brings back King of the Nerds, its awful “what if nerds had their own social competition reality game show” thing, because it thrives on my loathing. (10 p.m.)


Thursday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Hunka Hunka Burns in Love,” in which Mr. Burns gets a girlfriend and then loses her. FUN FACT: in order to make Mr. Burns look happy, they had to redraw him from scratch. “I don’t understand. She was my young, sexy fiancée; he was my sexually virile best friend; and they just drove off in my Bugutti Sexarossa. How could this have ever happened?” (MuchMusic, 9 p.m.)


Friday

Space airs Rewind, a two-hour pilot episode of a TV series SyFy ended up never in fact making. It’s about time travel and features David Cronenberg, and you get to see what Keisha Castle-Hughes of Whale Rider looks like now that she is all grown up (answer: she is awful pretty)—but it seems like this should not be as eminently skippable as it is. (9 p.m.)


The Weekend

So, yeah, it’s the Super Bowl, and a lot of people have Strong Opinions about whether Richard Sherman of the Seattle Seahawks is bad for having given a loud, emotional, sorta-angry post-game interview after he won the NFC Championship game, and it all ties into American racial politics a lot, but we here just want to know if the Puppy Bowl will air in Canada or what. (CTV, 6:30 pm. Sunday)

UPDATE: January 27, 2014, 2:00 PM We are delighted to report that the Puppy Bowl will be airing on Animal Planet at 6 p.m. on Sunday.

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