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Real City Matters

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culture

Televisualist: Psychohistorical

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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You know, now that Brett isn’t doing scathing, vicious caricatures of all the worst things about television every week, we can just put up things that we like instead! Like this shot from The Truman Show. That is art right there, people.

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

Monday

The Bachelor concludes, but don’t worry—it’ll be back in about six months! You know, like herpes. (CFMT, 8 p.m.)

Gallery Girls is a reality show about seven women trying to make it in the New York art gallery scene and [oh god I'm not going to even watch this but I should mark this bit for later so I can go to a thesaurus, find some appropriate synonyms, and just pretend like I watched it like a real journalist would—remember to delete this bit] but I suppose that’s why they’re on a reality show and we are not. (E! Canada, 9 p.m.)


Tuesday

The Game Show Network is airing The Truman Show tonight, which we suppose is apropos enough even if it’s not their usual thing. We’re mentioning it because the movie really does hold up very well and Jim Carrey really did deserve to be nominated for an Oscar. (8 p.m.)

Hell’s Kitchen is back for yet another season of bumbling nincompoops who can barely figure out how to turn on a burner, Gordon Ramsay shouting, and the horrible Fox house production team, which guarantees that the exact same minute of footage will be shown before and after every commercial break because they think if you see that Kia commercial with the driving hamsters, you will completely forget what you were watching beforehand, as well as “what cooking is,” and just stare at your television in confusion. (City, 8 p.m.)

Meanwhile, as Hell’s Kitchen debuts, The Taste concludes. The season of Anthony Bourdain wanes as Gordon Ramsay waxes. Finalist chefs contend to create the perfect dish while new contestants elsewhere arise to try and boil water properly. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west, and people fall in love. (ABC, 8 p.m.)

19 Kids and Counting: Duggars Do Asia will be exactly what you would expect when a large American fundamentalist Christian family travels abroad. In short: they will stare at things a lot, and the phrase “well, we don’t have this back at home” will be said so often that it will eventually lose all meaning. (TLC, 8 p.m.)

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Poppa’s Got A Brand New Badge,” wherein Homer forms a private security service with Lenny and Carl. “You know, I’ve had a lot of jobs… boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power-plant worker, fortune-cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.” (Comedy Network, 8:30 p.m.)

World’s Worst Tenants returns for a second season of craaaaaaazeeeee tenants. Is there a World’s Worst Landlords? No? Well, there should be. I expect universal agreement on this point, as I cannot be the only renter whose landlord failed to repair a back door for an entire winter and thus was forced to simply duct-tape wood slats over what was supposed to be the fire exit in order to prevent some of the heat from simply going outside. Or the only renter whose landlord refused to give their full name for tax purposes and insisted on cash payments only. Really, I could go on. I’m sure many of you could too. (Spike, 9 p.m.)


Wednesday

Yukon Gold is appropriate fare for History Television because historically people mined gold in the Yukon, so if somebody does it nowadays that is practically, like, Black Creek Pioneer Village, or something like that. (10 p.m.)


Thursday

Similarly, Big Rig Bounty Hunters is historical because the big rig truck was invented in 1898, and that’s history. Also, bounty hunting dates back to the Middle Ages! See? There’s history all over if you know how to look for it! Now, if you will excuse us, we are off to pitch Amazon Mud Wrestlers to History Television, since the Dahomey Amazons really existed and wrestling dates back to Ancient Greece and mud, well, mud has been around practically forever, really. So historical! (10 p.m.)


Friday

The Toronto Raptors host the Charlotte Bobcats tonight, and we will probably win because hey, it’s Charlotte, and they’re the worst team in the league. (Although that did not stop us from losing to Charlotte back in the first month of the season.) Of course, as any Raptors fan can tell you, a potential win like this will not ease the pain of knowing that Bryan Colangelo wants to give Rudy Gay an extension when Gay is one of the most overpaid players in the league and any extension would have to, well, continue overpaying him. But then again, we are talking about the man who is already responsible for three of the worst contracts in the NBA, according to Bill Simmons (Landry Fields, Andrea Bargnani, and Hedo Turkoglu, who he eventually managed to trade away) and apparently just wants to keep adding to that number. Dear Maple Leafs fans: we’re glad you’re having a good season this year, but MLSE fired the wrong Brian. (TSN, 7 p.m.)


The Weekend

Playing With Fire focuses on Derek and Daniel Koch, a pair of twins who are former male models and “nightlife impresarios” (read: Kardashian-class professional partiers), and who have decided they now want to run a high-concept restaurant. But let’s be honest: they’re professional celebrity-rubber-up-againsters, which is why they have a show on E!. (10 p.m. Sunday)

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