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culture

Televisualist: The Superest Bowl Is Your Friendship! No, Wait, That’s Wrong

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

Brett is not pleased about last week's Court of Appeal ruling, it looks like.

Brett is not pleased about last week’s Divisional Court ruling, it looks like.

Monday

Today you can watch the 2013 AHL All-Star Game, in case you’re the person who needs to watch all the hockey to make up for the lockout-shortened NHL season. (SportsNet, 7 p.m.)

The revival of Dallas returns for its second season, with several episodes featuring the late Larry Hagman already in the can. So this is your last chance to enjoy new appearances of J.R. Ewing, one of the great antiheroes in television history. Quite possibly the greatest. (Bravo, 9 p.m.)


Tuesday

Because the Real Housewives brand was not overextended enough, now we have Starter Wives Confidential, wherein the hook is that the stars were formerly married to moderately famous people (Floyd Mayweather, Lamar Odom, DMX) and now are making it on their own. We’re trying to think of things that are less interesting to us than this and we’re failing. (TLC, 9 p.m.)

Southie Rules is a reality show about a family in South Boston—excuse us, Bawston—and, well, that’s the hook right there. They are South Bawston people, and they all talk like Southies are expected to talk, and they are loud and crude and smack each other, and all of that sort of thing. This is what gets you a reality show these days. (A&E, 10 p.m.)


Wednesday

Auction Hunters returns for a brand-new season of two men profiting off the detritus of other people’s failed lives. It’s fun! (Spike, 9 p.m.)

Previously, Spike aired American Diggers, a show about treasure hunters (as in “historical artifacts,” not “panning for gold”). Now, beginning with its second season, the show is called Savage Family Diggers, presumably because that is a much better and less generic name than anything that begins “American [X].” (10 p.m.)


Thursday

30 Rock comes to its final curtain, and what is there to say except to list the things we hope will make it into the final episode somehow: Toofer’s Harvard experiences, America’s Kidz Got Singing, Leap Day William, Conan O’Brien’s death feud with Tracy, Dr. Spaceman, Kenneth speaking one more foreign language fluently, “that’s a dealbreaker!”, the fact that Jack had sex with Dick Cheney, Devon Banks, the EGOT, Pete’s archery expertise, the return of Josh, and at least two cameos by Rachel Dratch. (City, 8 p.m.)

What does NBC have to replace 30 Rock? Well, they have Do No Harm, which basically takes the multiple-personality premise of Steven Moffat’s Jekyll (man at war with his villainous alter ego, who only comes out at night) and tries to be an ongoing series with it. Which seems like a bad idea to us, but it’s not like we have NBC’s stellar track record of TV production over the last—oh, wait. (CTV, 10 p.m.)


Friday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “A Tale of Two Springfields,” wherein the town of Springfield divides into rich East Springfield and poor West Springfield when the town gets two area codes, and they go to war, because that is what this town does. “I can’t believe those rats deserted us. They couldn’t take one lousy famine!” (Comedy Network, 8:30 p.m.)


The Weekend

Oh, right the Super Bowl! This year’s Super Bowl is between the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens, who are both football teams (or so we understand), and who will play while TV executives quietly wish they played in larger media markets. There will also be commercials. We understand people care about those. We have never understood why. They’re commercials. (CTV, 6:30 p.m.)

Following the Super Bowl, CTV debuts Motive.

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