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Newsstand: December 20, 2012

Hey, Thursday: There's a reason no one ever says "TGIT," OK? Remember that. In the news: the TTC has communications issues, teachers' actions land them in trouble, the Ikea monkey saga continues, and more witchcraft.

Several things came out of yesterday’s TTC board meeting, none of them jolly. Chief among the transit system’s problems is a City ombudsman’s report that finds the TTC completely failed to communicate with residents and hold public consultations around renovations to two subway stations in the east end. The commission’s CEO Andy Byford agreed with the report’s findings and recommendations, so hopefully in the future, people will have some advance notice of the TTC’s plans to tear down their houses. In slightly better news, the TTC will likely end the year with a surplus, but you’re still going to have to pay more for tokens and metropasses in 2013.

The decision of whether or not Mayor Rob Ford should be turfed from office is still a couple of weeks away, but deputy mayor Doug Holyday (Ward 3, Etobicoke Centre) thinks if that happens, council should just replace him with… Rob Ford. Holyday claims this solution would be the easiest, so we’re guessing he’s not talking in the metaphysical sense.

Working-to-rule teachers who only filled out the bare minimum on report cards this fall could be in trouble with their schools for insubordination, which ought to clear up all those issues in Toronto schools. However, perhaps it’s the schools’ maintenance workers who should be facing the wrath of the bosses.

You had to know there would be major karmic payback for the innocent pleasure of seeing a monkey in a shearling coat wandering around a parking lot. Well, that’s coming in the form of the monkey’s owner’s prolonged legal struggle to get him back from the sanctuary where he’s being held, hopefully in time to get him kitted out in a baller raincoat for spring/summer. She goes to court today to try and bring him back home. Meanwhile, the municipality of Oshawa has now changed its bylaws to prevent residents from owning monkeys and other exotic pets.

And while Darwin the monkey’s coat was made of fake fur, some local homeless women will soon be getting the real thing, courtesy of PETA. The organization will be donating used fur coats to Toronto homeless shelters, courtesy of people who purchased them then had a change of heart. It’s part of PETA’s message that only the most vulnerable people should be able to swagger around in a pimp-tastic fur coat.

You might not have been familiar with the criminal charge of pretending to practise witchcraft until recently, but apparently the guy who’s been charged with it has been busy. Police say the man also used his bogus powers to bilk money out of an elderly couple in Montreal. Because when your con is fake witchcraft, it helps to cast a wide net.

If you’ve been feeling like something has been missing from the Newsstands as of late, never fear: Rob Ford is back in Toronto. Commence waiting game.

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