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culture

Televisualist: Blog, Now With Dog

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

In 50 years, Brett will totally regret having been snarky about this show. You wait and see.

Monday

The most important television event this week, and possibly of all time, is of course the Family Channel’s premiere of its new blockbuster series Dog With a Blog. We at Televisualist think it cannot be an understatement to say that all of Western civilization has been waiting for a show like Dog With a Blog, because this is not only a show about a dog that talks, but it is also a show about a dog that talks and uses the internet. Mark this day on your calendars, because 50 years from now when the Super-3D HoloFilm Experience (A Division of Disney Cineplex Bros.) presents Dog With a Blog: The Holo Movie, you will want to tell your grandchildren when you watched the premiere of the 40-season television show that quite literally ended television as we know it forever and changed humanity for the better. (8:30 p.m.)

History Television actually lives up to its name and broadcasts the epic “all history ever” docu-series Mankind: The Story of All of Us which begins in the Stone Age as man discovers fire and ends with mankind creating Dog With a Blog. (9 p.m.)


Tuesday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “The Last Temptation of Krust,” wherein Krusty reinvents himself as an edgy club comic and then sells out again. A damn clever mid-range Simpsons episode, even if it lacks a talking dog or blogging of any kind. “Comedy isn’t funny anymore…. You’ve got some big-chinned slob reading typos from the Palookaville Post! Well, here’s a headline for ya. Nobody cares!” (Comedy Network, 8:30 p.m.)

Anger Management ends its second season, as even Charlie Sheen, deep in his delusional soul, knows that it is lunacy to try to compete with Dog With a Blog. (CTV, 9 p.m.)

Parenthood continues to be the solidly excellent A-minus-level show we have all come to expect. The “Kristina gets cancer” storyline thus far this season has actually been treated in an adult and non-exploitative manner, and while it shouldn’t be shocking that a television show can do this, it sadly is. This is why we need Dog With a Blog to change television forever, you see. (NBC, 10 p.m.)


Wednesday

Survivor update time! So, a couple of weeks ago, it was looking like Jonathan “most entertaining Survivor contestant ever whose entertainment value is not based on your hatred of him” Penner was going to get knocked out since everybody was convinced (probably correctly) that he was a huge threat to win the game if left in it. However, Jonathan won immunity, and that caused a wildly chaotic Tribal Council where Baseball’s Jeff Kent got voted out in a chaotic storm while Abi, this season’s token mean and stupid and kind of crazy person who thinks they’re in control of the game when really their only shot is making final three because other people want to bring along a goat in order to increase their chances of winning, told everybody she had an immunity idol just because. Still, this did not seem like enough to keep Penner in the game, until Abi decided to viciously insult Lisa “Blair From Facts Of Life” Welch (who is turning into one of the smartest and most enjoyable players to come along in some time) and returning contestant Michael Skupin, because, as we said, she is mean and stupid and kind of crazy and thinks she’s in control, which is just what you would expect from someone who very probably would hate Dog With a Blog. So Michael turned the tables and the Penner/Skupin axis voted out Artis, one of Abi’s key allies, and Abi gave us all that delicious schadenfreude hit we craved. Meanwhile, Penner ally Malcolm is being insanely decent to his competitors and going around explaining that he’s realized what he should really be doing with his life is teaching underprivileged kids in third-world countries rather than tending a bar in L.A., because he was not attractive enough to the ladies and gay menz of the world. (Global, 8 p.m.)


Thursday

It’s American Thanksgiving, so naturally we get A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, which is always cause for celebration. But our celebration is tempered with sadness, for Charles Schulz is of course no longer with us, which means he did not live to see Dog With a Blog. Imagine if Snoopy had a blog! itwasadarkandstormynight.wordpress.com does not appear to be available, though. (ABC, 8 p.m.)

Traditionally, Televisualist complains bitterly whenever Christmas specials air too early for its tastes, as Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol does tonight. But, this year, we will try to complain less, because the best possible Christmas present anybody could ever ask for—namely, Dog With a Blog—has come early! So let us not be Scrooges about the fact that Christmas specials are, once again, airing more than a month before actual Christmas. (Global, 8 p.m.)

Along for the Bride answers the burning question nobody but the programming staff of TLC had: when will bridesmaids and maids of honour get their reality show? The answer is “well, now, we guess.” Televisualist suggests that instead of watching this show, you just watch your PVR’d copy of Dog With a Blog for the fifth time. We bet that dog would make an awesome maid of honour, because the dog talks. Not that maids of honour don’t talk, but you get our general thinking here, we’re sure. (10 p.m.)


Friday

Tonight, you can watch the 2012 Vanier Cup, which for those of you unaware is the Canadian version of the NCAA football championship, except with three downs and nobody watches it. This year, the McMaster Marauders and the Laval Rouge et Or are competing for the Cup, which should be an exciting game that certainly all bloggers—including bloggers who are also talking dogs—would approve of, if they watched such things. Which they probably won’t. Because Canadian college sports just aren’t a big deal here, and blogging dogs are, and that’s probably for the best. (TSN, 7:30 p.m.)


The Weekend

Extreme Cougar Wives is actually a thing. Sometimes you think “well, TLC can’t sink any lower,” but TLC is now digging a hole in the ground to lower the bar. The hole is 40 feet deep and dropping fast. The moral of this story: Dog With a Blog is our only hope of salvation. (10 p.m. Sunday)

Comments

  • Dog, the Doggy Blogger

    What do cancelled shows “Last Resort”, “666 Park Ave”, and “Partners” have in common? NO BLOGGING DOGS!! Wake up, network television!

    • Anonymous

      “Last Resort”

      Nooo! It was just starting to get good! They were about to add a parrot that uses Twitter!

    • Anonymous

      and “Common Law”, damnit.