By Christopher Bird • Illustration by Brett Lamb

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

We have to write about a dating show hosted by George Lopez this week. It's that or turn this column into What-Movies-Are-On-TV-This-Weekist.

Monday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Dead Putting Society,” wherein Homer and Flanders bet on whether Bart or Tod (or Rod? I can never remember) will win in a miniature golf tournament. “Come on, Bart! Remember what Vince Lombardi said: ‘If you lose, you’re out of the family!’” (Comedy Network, 8 p.m.)

Tuesday

Hot In Cleveland returns for a third season of seasoned comediennes making with the traditional-style sitcom laughs. Is it weird that Betty White, in her 90s, has like three dozen television shows now? It seems weird. (CTV, 8 p.m.)

The NBA Finals commence, with Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder taking on LeBron and the Miami Heat. On the one hand you have a young, dynamic team looking to become the next great NBA dynasty. On the other hand you have LeBron and Dwyane Wade trying to secure themselves as NBA champions before everybody counts them out forever as the superteam that couldn’t get it done. (This, despite the fact that the Heat’s only other truly decent player is Chris Bosh and Bosh isn’t at Wade or LeBron’s level, and also he is injured right now anyway.) Both of the conference finals featured truly exciting basketball so this has the potential to be epic. (TSN, 8:30 p.m.)

“Hey, A, we need a new reality show for our supposed “arts and entertainment” network. “Well, E, you remember that guy who traded a paperclip up to a house?” “Yeah, but he’s not interested.” “No, I mean we find guys who trade things and try to profit that way. Through barter.” “Sounds like we’d be promoting the failure of the modern economy. “Eh.” Hence: Barter Kings. (A&E, 9 p.m.)

Wednesday

Televisualist has a soft spot for Roll Bounce, the (non-Lil’) Bow Wow vehicle about competitive roller disco that in many ways functions as a callback to Saturday Night Fever, except on wheels and with teenaged black kids rather than John Travolta. It’s just a well-made little movie, with a great turn by Chi McBride as the dad. It’s never going to be anybody’s favorite movie, but it’s a good movie and that, sometimes, is enough. (BET, 8 p.m.)

Dallas is not a remake or a reboot; it is, instead, basically a next-generation sort of show, with a new round of young, handsome, and feuding Ewings, as well as the return of many of the old cast as their former Dallas characters, who are now mostly eminences grise. (Including, of course, Larry Hagman as JR and Patrick Duffy as Bobby.) The show is a damn good primetime soap, just as it was in its first incarnation, and fans of that genre who have to wait until fall for a second season of Revenge or the like should greatly enjoy it, especially because they had the good sense not to try and reinvent the classic Dallas opening theme. (Bravo!, 9 p.m.)

Thursday

So we didn’t mention Take Me Out last week, mostly because we feared for your sanity. Basically the idea is that a guy comes out and talks about who he is, and then thirty girls can gradually reject him as he mentions any detail they find inconvenient. Then at a certain point the guys get to start rejecting the girls who didn’t reject them. And then George Lopez makes a terrible pun. And then the world ends in a ball of fire. (CTV, 8 p.m.)

Make Me Over, Make Me Under is a makeover show with a twist! And the twist is: they do two makeovers, one of which is a “makeunder” where the person overdresses or over-makes-up or whatever. Hooray! (Slice, 9 p.m.)

Friday

Megastunts – Highwire Over Niagara Falls is, well, what you think it is. A live broadcast of professional daredevil Nik Wallenda (he has a degree in daredevilry from Cambridge) as he tries to cross the Horseshoe Falls (AKA “the Canadian falls, which are better”) on a tightrope. It’s scheduled to last two hours, so CTV will look awfully stupid if he falls in. (9 p.m.)

Randy to the Rescue features the fashion director from Say Yes to The Dress as he travels the country helping brides find the perfect wedding dress. The original title, First World Problems On The Road, was rejected. (TLC, 10 p.m.)

The Weekend

It is the 2012 MuchMusic Video Awards! This year’s MMVAs feature LMFAO as co-hosts, and performances by Flo Rida, Kelly Clarkson, Katy Perry, and every Canadian artist/band that has made it big lately in the USA (which this year means, as always, Justin Bieber, as well as Carly Rae Jepsen and Marianas Trench). Oh, for the days when the MMVAs could consider Moxy Fruvous and Sarah Polley big gets. (MuchMusic, red carpet begins at 8 p.m. Sunday, MMVAs proper begin 9 p.m. Sunday)