A glimpse into one possible Queen's Park future.
Last week, Doug Ford, Ward 2 councilor and sharer of the mayoral DNA, remarked that if a provincial seat freed up in Etobicoke he’d love to make the move uptown to Queen’s Park.
How would that play out? Let’s imagine.
It’s a few months from now. The Liberal austerity drive is in full swing, and the province is in chaos. Doctors angry over the McGuinty pay freeze blockade Queen’s Park with a wall of Audis and Range Rovers. Teachers stop supervising extracurricular activities, leading to nerdish mayhem as chess clubs and debate teams brawl over the use of school facilities.
Sensing weakness, the Tories and NDP force a confidence vote, triggering an election. Doug Ford is tagged to run for the PCs in the riding of Etobicoke North.
Meanwhile, PC leader Tim Hudak, fearful of another embarrassing defeat, steps down to take a position as On-Air Complainer for Sun TV, and a snap leadership convention acclaims Ford the elder as Conservative chief. Energized by their new leader and propelled by a fired-up Ford Nation, the Tories claim a sweeping electoral victory.
The next day, Doug Ford, premier of Ontario, calls his brother Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto.
Doug Ford: Hey Jones! It’s Jones!
Rob Ford: Hey, whassu-u-u-u-p!!!
DF: Guess where I’m calling from!
DF: No, it’s…
RF: Casino Rama? Daytona Beach? Outer space?
DF: Er, no. The Premier’s office. I’m in!
RF: Hey, cool, man. I’ve been there. Fricking McGuinty was always too cheap to crack open the mini-bar. Whaddya doing?
DF: Lots, Jones. Once I get the Liberal smell out of the drapes and get rid of this skinny-ass chair, things are gonna be changing. You’re gonna be getting more money for subways, for one thing.
RF: Subways! I effing love subways!
DF: Oh yeah, subways to Scarborough and Etobicoke. Subways on Eglinton, Sheppard, Finch. Anybody wants a subway, they can have a subway. Well, maybe not downtown. They already have plenty of subways.
RF: Yeah, they can ride their little Bixi bikes! (Both laugh) Hey, what are we gonna do with all the streetcars? Can I drive ‘em into the lake? Man, that would be so cool.
DF: Well, I don’t think we have tracks going into the lake. And we should probably try to, you know, sell ‘em or something.
RF: (glumly) Yeah, I guess so. It’d be cool though. (pause) Hey, is the premier allowed to shut down newspapers?
DF: I don’t think so. Why?
RF: No reason.
DF: Don’t worry, Robbie, I got your back. Those reporters don’t treat the Fords with respect, they won’t be talking to the premier. Creepy little so-and-so’s…probably sneaking around trying to listen to us right now.
RF: WHAT? WHERE? IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!
DF: No, no, I’m just saying they could be. ‘Cause they’re like that.
RF: Oh. Ok.
DF: Listen, I gotta go. I got a call on the other line. (pause) Hey, do we know anybody called Pride Toronto?