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A Musical Shopping List, For Doug Ford

During an appearance on CBC’s Metro Morning on Tuesday, Councillor Doug Ford (Ward 2, Etobicoke North) discussed his ideas for Toronto’s Port Lands, which revolve around building a giant Ferris wheel, a monorail, and, crucially, a “mega mall,” with “a Nordstrom’s, a Bloomingdale’s, and a Macy’s.”

Metro Morning host Matt Galloway asked Ford why Toronto would want “something like a mega mall” on its waterfront.

Ford’s response: “For the downtown core, really there’s only one place to shop right now, and that’s the Eaton Centre. And studies show that we need more opportunities to get out there and shop and start stirring the economy. Don’t tell my wife that, and my four girls, because they shop enough, Matt.”

Torontoist contributor Jaime Woo would never dream of telling Karla, Krista, Kayla, Kara, and Kyla Ford (those being the names of the wife and four daughters, in descending age order) that there aren’t enough places to shop downtown. Because, as this song he wrote the lyrics to—embedded above—demonstrates, there are.

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  • Anonymous

    Can you post the lyrics? I can’t play it on this computer at work.

    • http://twitter.com/jaimewoo Jaime Woo

      Of course! Here they are:

      “There’s Hairy Tarantula
      Right by the Zanzibar
      Maybe GotStyle got suits?
      Republic Bananican, Game Shack, and H&M
      Maybe StyleXchanging Roots.

      Uncle Otis, Out on the Street, Fair Trade Jewellery
      Hudson Bay, Price Winners, and Holt’s
      Guatemala, Bolivia, then Argentina
      Oops wrong song, I’m sorry, my fault

      Curbside Cycle, Sweet Pete’s, Northbound Leather, Midoco
      Beguiling, Book City, Sonic Boom
      For Us Gays, Oh Glad Day, maybe wait
      No books now Margaret Atwood move on!

      Indigo, RAC, Menchies, and BMV
      Outer Layer College and Queen
      Good for Her, Come As Y’Are, Then Labour of Love
      Secrets From Sister to me.

      Carbon Computing and then Cosmopawlitan
      Teatro Verde, Philip Sparks!
      There’s Capsule, for music, for artists, head to the
      Art Gallery’s great gift shop.

      Style Garage, CB2, Bungalow, A&C
      Miss Behavin’, Black Market, Honest Ed’s,
      There’s Brava And Groovy, Head back east for a movie
      Little Burgundy and Fraiche

      Buckler and Chasse Gardee
      Preloved and Paper Place
      Magic Pony mentioned three times!
      Lavish & Squalor, Next Door is baller
      Morba, and Neat, Love of Mine

      Jonathan ‘n’ Olivia, Preloved and Poppies
      Yum Chippy’s, Type Books and Swipe
      White Squirrel, Moog Audio, Silver Snail, Nomad, oh
      69 Vintage, That’s ripe.

      (Breath.)

      Quasi Modo, Girl Friday, Menagerie, Mexx
      Spectacle, Heel Boy and there’s MEC
      Soma, Kid Icarus, Good Egg, Sanagan’s
      We’ve leapt into Kensingtons
      Cheese, Meats, and Lettuce Knit
      Balzac’s Distillery
      This was some shopping spree
      More than Eaton Centre to see.”

  • http://twitter.com/natekelly Nathan Kelly

    You can’t expect the brothers Ford to shop anywhere that doesn’t have a parking lot.

    Think about that for a second – a mega-mall needs a mega-parking lot. Good god it would be terrifying.

  • Anonymous

    HA HA HA! WOMEN SHOP TOO MUCH AND SPEND OUR HARD EARNED MONEY, HA HA HA, AMIRITE GUYS?

    Lol, oh man, making fun of women’s shopping habits never gets old Doug.

    We’re so far past the point of Poe’s law now that I can’t even see it in the rearview…

  • http://twitter.com/di0nysys Andrew Smith
  • http://paul.kishimoto.name Paul Kishimoto

    Jaime Woo for Mayor(‘s brother)!

  • Anonymous

    Maybe with the ample section 37 funds, the city can build a portal to another dimension where Adam Giambrone handled his fling with the groupie better. I’d rather live there.

  • Anonymous

    Why is Doug Ford (councilor for Ward 2 Etobicoke North) doing the announcements for something happening in Ward 30 (Paula Fletcher’s Toronto-Danforth)? He isn’t mayor, though he does act like one!

  • Matt

    animaniacs anyone?