Today Fri Sat
It is forcast to be Partly Cloudy at 11:00 PM EDT on April 24, 2014
Partly Cloudy
12°/5°
It is forcast to be Rain at 11:00 PM EDT on April 25, 2014
Rain
10°/4°
It is forcast to be Chance of Rain at 11:00 PM EDT on April 26, 2014
Chance of Rain
9°/2°

21 Comments

news

Welcome to Your New SUBWAYTM System, Toronto

Click on the map to view a full-size version.

So apparently the TTC is contemplating, or at least willing to entertain proposals for, selling the naming rights to its lines and stations.

Now, some boring hippies will probably be all “oh that sucks we’re branding everything and we will forever live in a sea of advertisements.” That is the sort of thing that hippies say. They probably complained when SkyDome changed its name to the Rogers Centre, too. But the Rogers Centre sounds respectable. It sounds like a place where your dad might go to look at lawnmowers, and people need to look at lawnmowers. Otherwise they might not know how to best mow their lawn! “SkyDome” just sounds like a place where people blow bubbles and stare at things randomly in a vague and sinister manner. “Ooooooo, we’re going to the SkyDome, kiddies.” And then the child molester who says that waves his unicorn hand puppet at you before he steals your innocence forever. That’s what you get when you listen to hippies.

No, we here at Torontoist know that selling naming rights is the way of the future. It reminds us of the important entities that control and shape our very existences on a daily basis. It makes our public services fundable, because the alternative is raising taxes and nobody wants that, least of all us because now that St. Joseph Media has acquired us we’re finally making serious money with this journalism crap.

So we humbly propose that the TTC brand absolutely everything. We’ve done some mock-ups so the TTC can see what a great idea this is!

But, even better than that, we also have a solution for the boring liberals who will complain about how commercialism erodes and deadens our souls and how the gradual commoditization of public space destroys the concept of public ownership and blah blah look at my earth shoes blah blah blah. We propose that the TTC look into selling very, very dark pairs of sunglasses for these people. They can put the dark glasses on and stumble their way innocently through every TTC station, whether that TTC station has sold its naming rights to Apple or George Stroumboulopoulos. Also, some of them might fall down the stairs, and then they would stop complaining about branding and start complaining about their broken hips instead. We would feel more sympathy for them that way.

(We’re sure George Stroumboulopoulos will go for it, if only so that the world has a large and helpful reminder of how to spell his last name. If we were George Stroumboulopoulos, we would definitely get tired of people misspelling our last name or suggesting that we just change it to “Strombo” forever. Besides, now that he’s a United Nations Ambassador Against Hunger, he’s got to have some walking-around money he could throw at this.)

So here’s our proposal. We already have some of these sponsors lined up! Call us, TTC! We can make this happen!


UPDATE, April 4, 1:30 PM: Far be it from us to deny you, our faithful readers, the joys of our new SUBWAYTM system in all its glory. After receiving numerous requests, we now have available for downloading: the complete route map, and all four mock-ups of the stations in the newer, shinier, sponsored Toronto(ist) Transit Commission.


20110401mapfinalthumb.jpg   COMPLETE ROUTE MAP

20110401bossingtonthumb.jpg   HUGO BOSSINGTON STATION

20110401mrchristiethumb.jpg   MR. CHRISTIE STATION

20110401strombothumb.jpg   ST. GEORGE STROUMBOULOPOULOS STATION

20110401dupontthumb.jpg   DU PONT STATION

Concept, map, and station images by Michael Chrisman. Writing by Christopher Bird. Station names by Torontoist staff, especially Christopher Bird. Additional assistance by Jamie Bradburn and Hamutal Dotan.

Comments

  • isyouhappy

    This is great.

  • http://twitter.com/_John_Henry John Henry

    I doubt many of these companies would want their brands associated with such poorly maintained facilities. Mostly Hugo Boss. That station would need to be spotless and not such an eye sore.

  • http://twitter.com/carbonman carbonman

    This is hilarious, but what about the new line? You know, the Egg McMufflinton line. 'cause that should be completed like, next month, right?

  • http://twitter.com/beniaminov Dmitry Beniaminov

    Thanks for bringing back corporate branded puns, and making them local. The possibilities are endless

  • http://profiles.google.com/the.nexus Nexus .

    Ab-so-lute-ly brilliant.. well done folks.. well done..

  • http://twitter.com/_John_Henry John Henry

    I would like to add that this is one of my favourite articles ever. Everything about it is perfect. Good work team.

  • jsphrs

    I didn't even realize it was April Fool's Day. So awesome.

  • http://singtothesky.org/ Wendy

    I hate April Fools' but this was a good one.

  • http://lpetrazickis.livejournal.com/ Leo

    “St. George Stroumboulopoulos” is my new desktop background.

    (A 1920×1200 version would be very welcome.^-^)

  • BonanzaFarms

    Nice.

    But Christie St. is named after William Christie (a.k.a Mr. Christie)

  • http://piorkowski.ca qviri

    These photoshops are really good and I second the request for higher resolutions!

  • Df4

    I second the motion for higher resolution versions. These are classic!

  • http://cruisesurfingz.com/ roy

    Hillarious. I know it's a joke but I still think it'd be a great idea!!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XYF3QSKFNHJ6PSNNHJBRFTT7AM Joe

    I have personally been hugged by George Stroumboulopoulos, whose name I can write from memory, and on the basis of both those facts I feel empowered to authorize your project on his behalf. We begin bombing in five minutes.

  • http://www.new-media.ca Apriori

    Amazing – great job!

  • http://twitter.com/rod_stahl Brodie Craig

    Spadynamite article, Torontoist Transit Commission: Hilarious.
    I want to go chubby-chasing at Addition Ellesmere.

  • Nick

    With corporate sponsors like these, Ford will have the $4 billion he needs for the Sheppard gravy subway in no time! Each company would just have to pay $75 million for a station across the current system (which is three times what Rogers paid for the SkyDome, at a net loss to taxpayers of $550 million by the way). It would take a lot of cookie sales for Mr. Christie to recoup his investment but maybe he can write it off as corporate social responsiblity.

  • http://twitter.com/leahbobet Leah Bobet

    The people demand a new round of subway buttons to reflect these updated station names.

  • bikeme666

    PODIUM!

  • http://www.lifeworksonlakenorman.com Mooresville Chiropractor

    Haha this one really got me, almost forgot about April Fools day!

  • http://www.lifeworksonlakenorman.com Mooresville Chiropractor

    Haha this one really got me, almost forgot about April Fools day!