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They Heard The News Today, Oh Boy: Rob Ford Loves Subways Edition

Every so often, the internet reminds us that it is a horrible place. They Heard the News Today, Oh Boy seeks to combat that by collecting the worst of the worst comments from Toronto news sites and punishing them with words of our own.
Now that you’ve had a brief attack of the shivers induced by the idea of Rob Ford being in an even greater position of power, we will continue with this post.
Rob Ford’s first official act as mayor—before even getting locked in his own office—was to tell somebody that he wanted to kill Transit City and instead build the Scarborough subway line he campaigned on. This was Toronto’s first sign that Ford was not in fact dishonest about his wildly unrealistic campaign promises, but instead merely fantasizing powerfully about the limits of basic mathematics.
Indeed, commenters at the Sun, Post, Globe, Star, CBC and CP24 were rather more ideologically balanced than usual; even at the Sun, typically home to the least coherent of raving internet nutjobs, comments were running about 50-50 between “go Rob Ford go we need subways” and “I have a fifth-grade education and therefore figured out this is a stupid idea.”
But this does not mean that the nutjobs did not come out in force, as they do for all things.

I’ve Been To Two Other Cities So Clearly I Know Everything There Is To Know About Transit!
Yes, We Must Talk Subway Business Of The Mayorcity To The Airport Immediately
I Was Not Consulted About Mass Transit Expansions And Neither Was My Buddy Fred Who Works With Me At The Jiffy Lube
Now That Rob Ford Is Mayor, We, The Media, Collectively Admit That In Fact He Is A Svelte Model Named “Steve”
Perhaps The Only Time In Your Life You Will Hear A Subway Compared Favorably To A Luxury Automobile
Excuse Me, But A Budget-Minded Man Like Rob Ford Would Sketch Out His Transit Plan On The Flap Of A 2-4 of Laker Beer, Thankyouverymuch
Oh For Christ’s Sake Calgary, We Get It, Your New Mayor Is So Progressive And Cool And Hip. You Sound Like A Fourteen-Year-Old Kid Who Just Discovered The Smiths, You Know That?
But I’m Sure Not Cool With A Land Registration Tax or a Vehicle Registration Tax! Those Are Practically Slavery!
So First We Waste A Lot Of Money, And Then We Sue The Provincial Government For Allowing Us To Waste That Money. It’s Gold, Jerry! Gold!
Mr. Handsome Approves
Once Again, An Internet Commenter Tells Liberals How Much We All Love Starbucks
This Is Entirely Fair, And To Show Our Support Torontoist Will No Longer Refer To Rob Ford As “A Hideous Amalgamation Of Hippopotamus And Man”
Not To Say “We Told You So,” But In Fact We Actually Told You So Over And Over And Over And Over Again
The Streetcar Is The Worst Invention Of Modern Times, By Which I Mean Long Ago, Which Is Why They Are Now Obsolete In Modern Times, By Which I Mean Right Now
Speaking Of Our Weather Issues, This Is Yet Another Year Where It’s December And We Haven’t Had A Serious Snowfall Yet, I’m Just Saying
The Rob Ford I Knew Would Have Shot All Cyclists To Death And Then Fed Their Corpses To His Pet Murder-Dog
“Relax! He’s Not Stupid! He’s Just Really Dishonest! Doesn’t That Make You Feel Better?”
In Order To Make The TTC Cheaper, We Should Make It More Expensive
Damn Straight! Nobody Will Ever Disrespect The Meth-Abusing Wifebeating Redneck Immigrant Communist Nazi Dentists Of Scarborough Ever Again!
In Order To Prove This Commenter Wrong, We Will Now Increase Our Mockery Of Rob Ford By One Hundred Percent So As To Show That We Are Not Hypocritical
Liberals Don’t Have Jobs! Also, Why Don’t They Make The Whole Airplane Out Of The Black Box? Why Are Women Such Lousy Drivers? Also Why Do They Buy So Many Shoes? Thank You Everybody, You’ve Been Great! Try The Veal!
In Another Alternate Earth (The One Where Joshua Jackson Was Born) Transit City Was Built Many Years Ago And Is Very Unpopular, Thus Explaining This Otherwise Unfounded Comment
I Know All About This Thanks To Wikipedia!
Fun Fact: The MRT Makes Its Profits Because It’s Also One Of Hong Kong’s Biggest Property Owners, So Ask Yourself How You’d Feel About A TTC Employee Being Your Superintendent
Also We Had To Walk Fifteen Miles Uphill Both Ways To Get To The Stop, And The Bus Didn’t Have An Engine But Instead It Was Like In The Flintstones Where We All Had To Move The Bus With Our Feet
I Don’t Know Much About Transit, But It Seems To Me That Your Over-Capacity Transit System Needs More Passengers In It
Interestingly, The LRT He Complains About Was A Pilot Project That Was Set To Expand Before It Was Killed By Larry O’Brien, AKA “Rob Ford In Ottawa, But Four Years Ago”
I Don’t Live In Toronto But Please Do Something About All Those Homeless People, Please
Once Again, The Starbucks Thing—You Guys Realize That We Downtown Elites Mostly Just Drink Whatever Shit Dollar Coffee We Can Get, Right?
Also You Can’t Play World of Warcraft Outside Either. Man, Outside Sucks
Oh, Look, Someone In Thunder Bay Doesn’t Know Who’s Paying For His Roads
(All Of A Sudden Online Conservatives Are Enraged About The Plastic Bag Tax And I’m Not Sure When That Started)
And As Always, We Close With A Sad Truth


  • http://undefined EricSmith

    Interpretive note for the “James in Kanata” comment: Kanata is a suburb out at the edge of transit-land, with a big highway running to it. It was, pre-amalgamation, one of the cities that formed the Regional Municipality of Ottawa-Carleton. Kanata was infamous for banning clotheslines and regulating the colour of garage doors.

  • http://undefined Tea Oh!

    Does anyone else find it kind of weird to read comments that rant about Miller and his “cronies” and not question the whole Brothers’ Ford thing? How is Doug’s “Special Role” not a little weird?
    Anyways, I’m kind of scared to post this since I have a feeling I’m about to get bitch-slapped via comment board.

  • CanadianSkeezix

    The garage door thing is an urban legend, although Kanata did ban most clotheslines (I believe only the umbrella-type clotheslines were permitted). However, clotheslines bans, either through by-laws, restrictive covenants or condo declarations, were quite common in Ontario until provincial legislation recently put a stop to them.
    Not surprisingly, James in Kanata has his facts all wrong about the O-Train (free passes for students?). His comments are also confusing — on one hand he’s mad about the free-spending “dippers”, but on the other hand he’s mad that they invested in more cost-effective transit. Apparently, he would prefer conservatives to blow wads of money on some sort of higher-order transit in Ottawa, but it’s unclear from his post what that would be (subways in Ottawa?).

  • http://undefined you

    No bitch slap. I agree, I guess Doug and Rob tried to have the wall between the mayor’s office and the office next to it removed? There’s a door being put in there instead. I think Doug’s mayor. I felt that every time Rob made a gaffe in a speech or when answering a question during the campaign that it happened because he had not consulted with Doug before answering. He would say something incredibly stupid/bigoted/prejudiced/etc and then they’d issue a statement later to control the damage after Rob had been coached by Doug.
    Doug is our mayor, from what I’ve seen, Rob has the “political” capital so they made him the candidate, but Doug has the “brains” and runs the show. I don’t think Rob takes a piss without Doug there to tell him how.

  • David Topping

    You’re on Torontoist. For people who aren’t so sure David Miller deserves the criticism he’s gotten, and who aren’t sure why Rob Ford isn’t being criticized more, it’s as safe a space as you’re gonna get.

  • http://undefined you

    Heh, exactly :)

  • Ruhee

    I love you, Torontoist.

  • http://undefined Adam

    Before the internet, I never knew just how ignorant my fellow citizens were. Sigh.

  • http://undefined JacobL

    This stuff is gold! Thanks for the laugh. Although it’s kind of one of those nervous sorts of laughs, when you aren’t sure whether something is so absurd that it is hilarious or really, really scary.

  • accozzaglia

    You’ve just divulged the Torontoist editorial board bias. Oh noes, David. Get ready for whichever news outlets (and those in the Ford cabal to dismiss) everything published here as “the work of Mao, Lenin, Che, Obama, and Rae” or some even more absurd marker of drivel.
    I’ll feign panic nao.

  • accozzaglia

    Also Christopher, you’re a trooper for wending through the barrage of lunacy.
    Props, madly and deeply.

  • http://undefined Edmund

    Sadly, it’s more than likely that a few of the comments above are written by the same people on different sites. I don’t know which possibility’s worse.

  • http://undefined JC

    Unrelated comment: try ClearType, which is font-smoothing that comes included from Windows XP onwards!

  • http://undefined Mr Ornot

    Does anyone know what the rules are for what happens if a Mayor passes away while in Office? No, I’m not planning anything stupid, I’m just worried about the big guy’s heart and his capacity to cope with stress.
    Who would be next in line?

  • accozzaglia

    Mostly likely the Deputy Mayor, which in this case would be Doug Holyday.