By Christopher Bird

Every so often, the internet reminds us that it is a horrible place. They Heard the News Today, Oh Boy seeks to combat that by collecting the worst of the worst comments from Toronto news sites and punishing them with words of our own.

Sadly, it is not that easy.
Yes, the Adam Giambrone imbroglio (or “Giambroglio”) certainly provoked a lot of interesting discussion on the internet. And by “interesting discussion,” we of course mean the usual set of rants about how the TTC sucks and how the liberals who run City Hall are ruining everything. However, there were many additional streams of discussion this time around: a personal favourite, repeated very many times, was the collision of desperate Giambrone boosters claiming he had done nothing wrong because he “wasn’t really married” with self-congratulatory conservatives suggesting that Giambrone’s behaviour was the direct result of giving common-law couples rights akin to married couples, and also that cats and dogs were living together.
Still, the whole schmeer this time around was sadly depressing, because as political events go, one would expect that there would be some genuine fun in the comments: how, after all, can one resist engaging in a little schadenfreude at Giambrone’s expense, even if you are politically aligned with him? The dude cheated on his partner and, in less than two weeks, completely trashed a mayoral campaign that actually had a decent shot at victory. A more spectacular flameout than this is rare in politics (and especially in municipal politics). Sadly, commenters at the Star, Sun, Post, Globe, and CP24 didn’t entirely rise to the occasion, although there were occasional flourishes of brilliance.

This Was A Popular Sentiment, Expressed By Many A Person Who Does Not Understand That “The State” Did Not Actually Do Anything About Giambrone’s Bedroom

We’re Pretty Sure That If Giambrone Used Wax, It Wasn’t To Make Wings

Yeah, You Know Who Should Run Toronto? City Council! There’s An Idea

I’m Gonna Comment Like It’s 2006 And I’m That Guy At Your Office You Really Hate

Well, Except For Him, Because He’d Be Doing Fine

Yes, Infidelity Is Rampant Among Those Kids Today, With Their Black-Eyed Peas And Their Baggy Pants And Their Hippity-Hop Music

It Just Wouldn’t Be Internet Comments Without A Little Completely Pointless Homophobia

Yes, Because Mel Lastman Would Never Cheat On His Wife And Have A Secret Affair Or Anything Like That

Percentage Chance That This Is Actually Zack Taylor Commenting: 97%

Dude, That Is So Two Weeks Ago

One Of About Six Thousand Comments That Referenced George Costanza, Meaning That More People Associate Sex In The Workplace With Seinfeld Than Porno, Which Is Sad For Reasons We Cannot Articulate

WHO SAID I HATE WOMAN??????

(Please Say Rob Ford Please Say Rob Ford Please Say Rob Ford)

Oh Yeah? Well Now You Can’t Come To Our Sexy Party, Pal!

You Know, If You Keep Complaining Like This Torontoist Is Just Going To Put Its Six-Part Potash Mining Exclusive On Hold Forever

You Know, Ever Since The Sun Added Comments, There’s Definitely Been A Certain Something To Them That Other Sites Mostly Lack

The Real Tragedy Here Is That While He Was Cheating On His Partner With God Knows How Many People, He Was Doing It Under Lighting That The City Was Paying For

We Are Genuinely Not Sure What “Morally Single” Even Means

EWWWWWWWWWWW

No, The Real Tragedy Here Is That The Many Women He Slept With Behind His Partner’s Back Might Have Had Advance Warning To Hoard Tokens

And As Always, We Close With A Sad Truth