By Lori Dance

Stop me if you think you’ve heard this one before (but if you haven’t, that joke isn’t funny anymore): George Smitherman is running for mayor. Yes, that George Smitherman. “Anybody can come up with a platform,” said the furious little monkey, “but who has a track record of determination to actually see things through? I think that is a strength of my candidacy—I’m a person who has a track record of transformational action.” And yes, we know that running this story first and then expecting you to read the rest of today’s Newsstand is like holding down a Jack Russell terrier’s butt when all he wants to do is run the steeplechase (*cough* eHealth *cough*). Patience, my puppies…
Speaking of mayors…remember Mel Lastman? And how we just couldn’t get enough of his adorable quips about cannibals and the homeless (or lack of the latter in North York)? Well, he has something to say about yet another sporting event (and no, it’s not the Olympics…)—oooh, this is gonna be good…”There will be a lot of great things in sporting events and this will give people in Toronto an opportunity to cheer for something,” said everybody’s favourite Bad Boy when asked about Toronto’s successful Pan-Am Games bid. “They certainly can’t cheer politicians any more…all they want to do is raise money and not call it taxes.” Awww…snap! Wait, whut? Dude. You’re losing your edge if that’s the biggest zinger you could muster. Here—read this and refresh your memory, Mel. That‘s how it’s done.
Anyone here not a vegetarian? Come on, let’s see some hands…and let’s see how many are still up after this tasty tidbit: recently released documents show that the Maple Leaf plant is both slimy and mouldy. Some of the more delicious highlights include “slime on part of the meat-trimming table in the curing room” and “a moist and mouldy cardboard sheet on the base of a skid in the curing room that holds bags of salt.” Moist and mouldy? Omnomnom. But wait! There’s more! “We’re talking about a broom being taken from being used on the floor and now sweeping over top of finished product,” said union head Bob Kingston. “We’re talking about wheels on carts used to move finished product that are exposed and are flinging contaminated moisture up onto finished product.” Okay…new show of hands!
Finally, we realize that we’ve been amiss in our continuing H1N1 scaremongering (per your comments), so we’re throwing you a bone: Peel Region’s out of vaccine! OMGWTFBBQ! Four clinics will be closed from Sunday to Wednesday as “residents in the priority groups are encouraged to contact their family doctor who may be able to vaccinate them,” according to a Friday afternoon release. And GTA kids are so freaked out that they’re not even going to school! (Yeah…not going to school because of swine flu…that‘s the ticket…) But as always, pretty puppies, reading Newsstand will save you: go to Brampton! They have so much of the stuff, they’re giving out double doses. Problem solved. All together now…”Thanks, Torontoist!”