Newsstand: November 18, 2009

It's not unfair to call it a "shoebox multiplex from the Reagan era," and we'd have to agree that the theatre itself is not exactly a cinema treasure—but dammit, they didn't have to go and shut down The Carlton!

But what can you do? As of December 6, it looks like there'll be one less place to go. Then again, with these fare hikes, it's getting too expensive to venture out, anyway. But even though you might feel like the TTC's doormat, don't ever try to get around on your own two feet. Because you'll die! Or such is the impression given by the list of Toronto's ten most unsafe intersections for pedestrians. We really don't live in the safest city to walk about: Last year, half of all people hurt or killed in car crashes were on foot. That number is spiking this year, and the deadliest corners include, unsurprisingly, some of the city's main crosswalks.

Okay, cars not scaring you? What about the flu? Flu scaring you? Apparently not, since the demand for vaccines is way down from the peak it hit after the first high-profile deaths from H1N1. But if you're already immune to flareups of public opinion and still plan on being immune to influenza of the swine kind, you can now get the shot, whether or not you're in a priority group.

And what's going on over there? There, in that car, the one that just got pulled over. Look, the policeman's tapping on the window now, and the driver's unrolling it. I can't quite make out what he's saying, but do you smell...do you smell...prosciutto? Tenderloin? Venison? And the handcuffs are coming out! Why, those two men in the front seats are nothing but common meat thieves! Meat thieves!

And let's end on that beefy brief, and leave it to fake mayoral candidate (but real dead person) William Lyon MacKenzie to throw the offenders in the stocks. So be good, and always remember: don't call this MP fat. Not on Twitter. You heard it here first. Good morning, and good luck.