By Christopher Bird

If there’s one thing people agree about, it’s that they hate politicians a lot more than they hate prostitutes. Everything else is up for grabs.
Last week, Osgoode Hall Law School professor Alan Young, representing three sex-trade workers, launched a constitutional challenge attempting to strike down certain sections of the Criminal Code of Canada dealing with prostitution on the basis that the laws made it impossible for prostitutes to practice their job (which is technically legal) in reasonable safety, since the Code sections in question make it illegal for prostitutes to question potential customers in public (for example, they cannot ask “are you a serial killer?” without violating the law). And if there’s one thing that is absolutely, positively certain, it is that any story that even breathes a hint of support for the legalization of prostitution will bring out the Righteous Internet Wacko brigade.
Ever ready to demonstrate why misogyny and anonymous internet commenting go hand-in-hand, commenters flooded the National Post‘s editorial supporting the challenge, as well as Rosie DiManno’s supportive column and relatively neutral stories at the CBC and Globe. In fairness, they were met by hordes of legalization-supporting commenters, all of whom were prompt to remind you again and again and again that prostitution has been around since the dawn of forever and that sex is natural, which is probably the best single way ever invented to make men not want to have sex with prostitutes.
(Full disclosure: this writer has taken classes with Alan Young, and has worked with him at the Osgoode Hall Innocence Project, but not on this constitutional challenge.)

I Don’t Quite Think You Get The Whole Idea Of Submission And Domination, And Perhaps Maybe You Should Start With Something A Little Simpler, Like Buying A Stripper Pole Or Something Like That

If We Legalize And Regulate Prostitution, We Will Only Marginalize It Further!

And My Friend Who Went To Amsterdam Also Scored This Killer Weed While He Was There, And He Brought It Back In My Shampoo Bottle, I Mean His Shampoo Bottle

I Didn’t Spend All That Money On Medical School So People Could Think That A Prostitute Could Ever Be My Equal, People!

“All Those Prostitutes Need To Read Them Some Ayn Rand And Then Invest Their Money In A Business Hiring Other People To Make Expensive Metals”

You Might Think I’m Crazy, Stubborn, Bigoted, Irish, A Horse-And-Buggy Driver, But I Am Not A Trade Unionist!

You Just Knew That Somehow, Barack Obama Would Be Involved In This In Some Way

Also, “Bob Rae” Spelled Backwards Is “Ear Bob,” So Therefore This Means That If We Ever Elect Bob Rae As Prime Minister He Will institute A Program Of Mandatory Plastic Surgery For All

Wait, Is It That If You Buy Dinner You Are Ninety Percent Likely To Get Laid, Or That If You Buy Dinner That You Are Guaranteed To Get Ninety Percent Laid, Like, Maybe Third Base Or Something? This Is Important For People To Know

Just Once, Just Once, Could Somebody Referring To Brave New World Actually Have Read It?

“Just Ask My Wife If You Don’t Believe Me! Ain’t That Right, Honey? You’re A Whore, Right? Of Course You Are!”

Real Women Apparently Do Not Need Food Or Shelter

“Oh No! We Want To Bust That Gay Brothel, But The Liberal Media Won’t Let Us! And Now The Gay Prostitutes Are Marching In The Streets With The Bike Messengers And The Tamils! Damn You, Liberal Media!”

Dear Editorial Board of The National Post: You Are Clearly Not Conservative Enough. Please Become Twenty-Seven Percent More Conservative As Soon As Possible. Thank You.

My Friend Who Had A Friend Who Went To Amsterdam Told Me All About The Kinky Shit The Hookers Do

No, Actually Government Prostitutes Will Be Required To Hold An Advanced Degree, Which Means That For The First Few Years The Government Will Operate Under A Dramatically Low Prostitutes-To-Erect-Penii Ratio

If The Government Gets Involved In Public Health, They’ll Just Mess All That Up

No! Next We Legalize Robbery And Arson! You Have To Work Up To The Big Stuff, Yeesh

This Is What You Call “Having Priorities”

Although Nobody Told Me Hell Would Be Quite So Cold In January

ZING

Giving New Meaning To “Cleanup On Aisle Three”

This Comment By The Author Of The Upcoming Children’s Book One Whore Two Whore Red Whore Blue Whore

Sure Thing. You Can Just Give Me The Cheque Right Now. Make It Out To “Cash.” That’s My Maiden Name

Am I The Only One Imagining Hearing Dwight Schrute Say This? “Scavenging Is A Manly Art. I Myself Have Scavenged Many Extremely Valuable Items From The Roadside. You Wouldn’t Believe The Amazing Carcasses People Just Pass By.”

Sadly, The Legal System Does Not Quite Work That Way (And Believe Me, If It Did Work That Way, Alan Young Would Have Done It Already)

Yeah, Why Are We Paying For A System Of Courts And Laws Again? When Has That Ever Benefited Me?

I Do Not Think The Laws Of Economics Work Quite In The Way That You Think They Do

And What If Prostitutes Were Allowed To Walk The Streets Without A Large Badge Marked “HARLOT” On Their Chests? What Would We Do Then?

So I Think The Moral Here Is That Stephen Harper Needs To Bring Back Feeding Christians To The Lions, Is That Right?

And As Always, We Finish With A Sad Truth