By Lori Dance

Love the iPhone but the big red giant, not so much? Apple fanboys (and girls), rejoice—the monopoly is OVAH! Bell and Telus have been in cahoots in a joint effort to get their 3G network up and running ahead of schedule and will begin selling the Jesus phone as early as next month, effectively breaking the stranglehold that Rogers has been getting off on having on us for more than a year (not that there’s anything wrong with that…). What’s that you hear? A busy signal, you say? And with that, Torontoist has effectively broken the Rogers wireless retention queue. Good luck getting through, kids!
While you’re on hold, you might want to check out a report card of sorts on the state of the city that the Toronto Community Foundation has released today: their annual Vital Signs report shows, among other things, that “if you’re poor, you’ve gotten poorer. If you’re old, you’re more likely to be poor. If you’re new to this country, the recession has hit you hardest. And if you’re young, brace yourself for what’s ahead.” Um…whee?
Oh, don’t look so glum, chum. If you don’t feel like learning how you can help turn your city around, maybe you can call the city for spelling advice. Or cooking tips. Or to find out if Fort York is haunted. These are just a select few of the nineteen thousand calls that came in during the first week of the city’s thirty-five-million-dollar 311 service. Yep. Your tax dollars at work.
Oh, and speaking of tax dollars, remember when we said that Torontonians weren’t getting any money back from the strike? Well, now we are. Or are we? Maybe…? Sheesh. At this point, who the hell cares? For those who do, however, the big old twenty-dollar rebate will be in the form of a property tax break. According to our fair mayor, applying the more than thirty-three million dollars saved during the strike to next year’s operating budget instead of using it to hold off a proposed 2% hike in garbage fees “is the fairest and most efficient way to do it.” So, yay, property owners! Screw you, renters…?
Oh, and to all you d-bags who ride your bikes on busy sidewalks: go to Scarborough. No, that’s not a euphemism for hell (in this usage, anyway); it’s actually cheaper if you get caught. How much, you ask? It doesn’t matter. Quit riding on the damn sidewalks!