By Lori Dance

Has anyone actually seen a TTC special constable hand out one of those newfangled citations this week? Apparently, they’ve been in effect since Monday. The bylaw changes include new fines for injustices like hogging more than one seat, but old offenses are getting a hefty increase as well. Adding a hundred bucks to the fine for smoking on TTC property? Fine. Throwing in a thirty-five-dollar victim surcharge? Do it. But charging $345 (plus a victim surcharge of $75) for drawing Sharpie dongs in the hands of respected Canadian authors on subway advertisements? Dude, that’s just not cool. You should be paying us for that special brand of seventh-grade comedy gold.
A condo project has been approved in the downtown core. How is this news, you may ask? Well, you know that stretch of Victorian row houses on St. Nicholas Street, just west of Yonge and north of Wellesley? Well, there’s one there, and this condo is apparently going to ruin the life of everyone who lives there because the idea of a high-rise building in Toronto is simply absurd. Okay, wait—let’s back up here. Look, we here at Torontoist are all for the architecture and the preservation of the historical nonsense and whatever; it’s just the tone of the Post‘s article about the whole thing. If you’re going to paint the street’s residents as “intellectuals and experts on architecture and planning” who illustrate their points through poetry and the savage slaying of Rice Krispies treats and then top it off with a photo of some guy in a scarf and beret looking smug and holier than all who deign to oppose him, you’re not exactly pleading your case effectively. Unless you want people to support this monstrous blight on the city’s landscape? Oh, very clever, Allison Hanes. Very clever, indeed.
Remember those novelty books on old, crazy laws that nobody ever enforces, like not being allowed to remove a Band-Aid in public or being banned from paying for a fifty-cent item with pennies? Well, have you heard about the one where, if you’re in a group of twelve seniors walking in Humber Bay Park, you need to produce a permit or some d-bag officer is going to follow you to the Polish Hall with his camera? Apparently, it’s not only a thing—it’s an obscure bylaw that was egregiously broken in September by a bunch of renegade hooligans, and now David Miller is looking into the issue. Susan Eng, vice-president of advocacy with the Canadian Association of Retired Persons group, is less than pleased. “I have never heard of such a thing ever in Canada,” she fumed. Hey, Suze, we’re totally with you there. “Is someone sitting in a cubicle trying to find ways to upset people?” You tell ‘em, gir—wait. You’ve been to Canada, right?
Before we let you get on with your day, let’s throw a few more headlines your way (and yes, we know that rhymes; aren’t we clever): the term “wash and blow” takes on a whole new meaning as hair salons are targeted for prostitution, a bomb threat clears Centennial College as a daycare gets the all-clear after a hazmat scare, and our city is giddy with anticipation to hear if we’re fabulous enough to host World Pride. Oh, and some a-hole bilked an unemployed Torontonian out of nearly four thousand dollars with empty promises and a photo of former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling. While this is an incredibly dick move, at least he didn’t add insult to injury by using a pic of Gordie Howe and calling himself Woodrow.