By Lori Dance

Approximately twenty thousand runners took over the downtown streets yesterday morning as part of the Toronto Waterfront Marathon, which raised almost two million dollars for charity. Forty-five thousand dollars went to Kenyan Keneth Mungara, who finished the forty-two kilometre race in a record two hours, eight minutes, and thirty seconds. Mayor Miller, you were so close! We know you could probably use the money…
Our illustrious leader crossed the finish line in a time of two hours, seventeen minutes, and thirty-nine seconds (in the half-marathon), but he’s still got a long haul ahead of him—fourteen months, to be approximate. The Globe takes a look at the unfinished items on the mayor’s “to-do” list, while CBC asks Adam Vaughan who he thinks should step up as Miller’s successor. “I’ll be frank about this,” he replies, “I think the next mayor needs to come from off the council.” Rahly, Councillor Vaughan. How interesting…
So who has the class to take on the role of leader of our fair Hogtown? Never fear—Giorgio’s here! Councillor Mammoliti, whom you may remember from previous Newsstands as being accused of naming streets after his supporters (which is why there is no Lori Dance avenue…yet), has many social and political milestones with which to pave his path to mayoral victory. Selected highlights include trapping neighbourhood cats, suggesting that the Toronto Islands become a red-light district since Hanlan’s Point is already a “sex fest,” and claiming that homosexuals made unfit parents and were more susceptible to AIDS. Stop the campaign, folks…wethinks we have a winner.
And finally, speaking of a-holes, Toronto researchers have developed a portable device that can accurately diagnose prostate cancer in thirty minutes. The “or it’s free” joke doesn’t really apply here, as we live in a country where, in order to receive medical attention, we don’t have to pay through the…happy Monday, kids!