By Lori Dance

How can you piss off Canada’s entire Native population as creatively as possible in three easy phases? Let’s see…phase one, send them body bags as a swine flu contingency plan; phase two…???; phase three, profit! Jim Wolfe, regional director with the First Nations and Inuit health branch, responded to the inevitable poo-storm with this little gem: “We order these supplies as a matter of routine business and … this was part of a very normal restocking process.” GG, Jimmy. Enjoy that milkshake headache you’ve got going on right now.
Guess what thirty-five million dollars can buy? Why, a long-awaited 311 service, of course! Have questions about how it all works? Um…you pick up the phone and press 3-1-1? Oh, you mean you want to know what it does. Well, if you can’t wait until the 24th to let your fingers do the walking, the National Post has a quick FAQ to tide you over.
What does it take to become a licensed security guard in Toronto? Eighty dollars! And how about a private investigator? Another eighty dollars! But what if you want to become both? What’s eighty plus eighty? Who cares—you’re kicking ass and taking names!
Want to get two conflicting opinions on the state of Toronto’s education system? Look no further than our friends at the Globe and at the Sun. One headline reads: “T.O kids doing better in class,” and the other says, “Test scores place Toronto’s schools in bottom half of province.” Quick—without clicking on them first, guess which one comes from which paper. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Would you like to know more? Liberals took St Paul’s, foot-dragging from the Crown is putting Igor Kenk’s case in jeopardy, and a Barrie woman fell into a hole because she forgot it was there. Oh, and weekend road closures! Why? Because we love you.