Newsstand: September 16, 2009

Critics are panning the University of Toronto's plan to charge patrons from other schools to borrow books from their library. Officials claim that the move is to offset their mad operational costs; however, we cannot read this without thinking of a certain Simpsons episode in which Lisa Simpson and Hugh Grant Parkfield fight over the same book (Ecosystem of the Marsh by Thompson, if you must know). Though U of T students may avoid having their coveted texts bogarted, it's likely that they'll never get the chance to leave a dashing young Englishman at the altar because he refuses to wear piggy cufflinks. Curse you, Robarts!

Speaking of operational costs, city councillors are poised to vote down a fare hike for taxis now that fuel prices—whose high point prompted last year's fare increase—have declined, making cabs less expensive to maintain. Of course, said fuel prices haven't resulted in lowering taxi fares—heaven forfend! That would be sheer madness.

On a side note: don't believe everything you read—a vote in the upcoming St. Paul's byelection is not a vote for how cool you think the HST is. You'll actually be voting for someone. Don't let the guy in the chicken costume convince you otherwise. Wait, what?

While we're on the topic of squawking chickens squabbling children, fists are shaking at the Emery BIA's approved list of people after whom ten streets may soon be named—not only because they're not dead yet, but also because many of them have (or are related to people who have) contributed to Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti's election campaign. What appears to be a sour-grapes whinefest from Larry Perlman, who was jilted out of Mammoliti's spot on council in 2006, gains a fishy aftertaste when it is revealed that the mother of the BIA's chair already has a street named after her and Robert Chabot, founder of the Emery BIA and Mammoliti supporter, is slated to be so honoured. In Chabot's defense, though, who wouldn't want to live on a street named after the dude from Centennial Sweeping? Everyone knows who that guy is.

And in other news, Mayor David Miller has replaced Michael Bryant as CEO of Invest Toronto, the man arrested in connection with Monday's mass evacuation in Scarborough has been cleared of all charges and, thanks to the Bloc, there will be no fall election. Oh, and cyclists may not yet have to carry licences, but motorboat drivers do—surely this will dissuade many potential boaters from experiencing all the joys this incredibly safe activity has to offer. Sheesh. What's next? Helmets?