By Lori Dance

They say that only love can break your heart but, apparently, so can Neil Young. The Star reports today that the aging rocker is playing dumb about his confirmed attendance at this year’s TIFF, including a free Yonge-Dundas Square event to promote his latest film, The Neil Young Trunk Show. “This is the first time I ever heard I was supposed to be there,” he said, wide eyes plink-plinking in feigned innocence. “I didn’t know I was a scheduled event.” Isn’t that interesting—just a few scant months ago, this dirty old man blew us off when he said that attending a Luminato tribute to him at Massey Hall would be “uncomfortable.” Oh, Neil…we just can’t believe your lyin’ anymore. And that completes our hat trick of Neil Young song references for today.
Despite never having been to Alberta, one Toronto man has an action plan for the province: rename it. Dan Zinman, the creator behind Colberta.com, thinks that Stephen Colbert would make a fine leader for “The Texas Of The North. The Northwest Territories’ Mexico. The Fightin’ Sunshine Province!” Though he hasn’t yet contacted the comedian host of The Colbert Report about his scheme, he’s noticed that “the Twitter page is starting to pick up some steam,” and “a lot of people seem to be responding from Calgary and Edmonton and even Lethbridge [and] Medicine Hat.” However, upon being contacted by a certain Newsstand reporter, he remarked that many were originally “on board until they found out that [he was] a Leafs fan.” Oh, Dan—many of the world’s great visionaries have chased fruitless dreams of their own. Just look at Don Quixote.
Quelle surprise…someone threw a hissy fit at an all-candidates’ meeting in St. Paul’s last night. While the other candidates took aim at the impending HST, one man took it upon himself to throw a temper tantrum to set himself apart from his foes. “Why should I sit like a lump on a log when I get excluded,” pouted independent John Turmel, stamping his foot in petulant indignation at not being allowed to answer all of the questions like a big boy. Perhaps somebody needs an N A P. Yay, politics!
Speaking of political shenanigans, Prime Minister Harper has many a tongue wagging after being caught on video with such classic quotes as: “If we do not win a majority this country will have a Liberal government propped up by the socialists and the separatists.” In the leaked footage, he also prides himself with having shot down the Court Challenges Program, a government fund for “left-wing fringe groups” (his words). What kind of fringe groups, you ask? Oh, only women, minorities, gays, and the deaf. Leadership in action!
And finally, despite the fact that unemployment is up, wages are down, and sales are slumping in Hogtown, Councillor Shelley Carroll is “breathing a bit of a sigh of a relief because the growth in welfare cases seems to be stabilizing.” Phew! We were worried for a sec there, Shel! Thanks for putting our minds at ease.