By Marc Lostracco

Image courtesy of New York Fries.

Being a former child star can become a fate worse than death. Often exploited and then kicked to the curb when the cuteness wore off due to impending puberty, these former moppets spend their adult life trying to detach from the likes of Steve Urkel, Screech, Rerun, and Danny Partridge—and their characters’ respective catchphrases.
But a person’s gotta pay the rent, which is the only reason we can see why actor Gary Coleman agreed to show up in the latest ad campaign from the Toronto-based New York Fries chain. A weathered, 41-year-old Coleman appears in full Arnold Jackson drag, with a pained facial expression that is less “whatchoo talkin’ ’bout” and more “it don’t matter that you got not a lot.”
This is the same Gary Coleman who was livid at Vanilla Ice for demanding to hear Arnold’s signature line during the second season of The Surreal Life (and yes, we realize that that The Surreal Life is already a dignity dumping ground). The same Gary Coleman who despised the last five years of working on Diff’rent Strokes.
The campaign itself, helmed by Toronto agency zig, is actually quite smart. To celebrate the twenty-fifth anniversary of New York Fries, zig looked back to what was popular when the the company started. According to New York Fries marketing Manager Alyssa Berenstein, they were specifically looking for a celebrity who was “no longer all that relevant.” Ouch.
The company is breathing an extra sigh of relief, because Coleman accepted the offer after negotiations failed months ago with “Weird Al” Yankovic, who would have been impersonating a Thriller-era Michael Jackson. Double ouch.
Even though the concept is great and the execution is well done, the image of a former child megastar dressed up like the boy he was two decades ago is a bit sad. Even though Gary Coleman is generally responsible for his own failures and has already reprised the Arnold role for Married…With Children and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, the guy can’t avoid being a perpetual punchline and object of ridicule. He may not be doing himself any favours, but Coleman is still mad-talented, and we’d love to see him back on television in a starring role instead of holding out a paper New York Fries cup like a destitute panhandler.
A Facebook application for the ad campaign features a bobbleheaded Coleman predicting the future, twenty-five years ahead. That’s your future, by the way; not his. “Channel Gary’s fortune telling powers,” the copy reads. “Hold the wisdom of Gary Coleman in the palm of your hands.”
See? Punchline.