By Lori Dance

Molson Coors Canada is busy apologizing after promising to take down billboards displaying a slogan that had some Hogtown residents in a lather. Adam Moffat, brand marketing manager for Coors Light, said that, after receiving thirty to forty complaints yesterday, his company decided to remove the offending signage (with the tagline “Colder than most people from Toronto”) that was originally scheduled to be up until September. According to some other sources, however, many residents seem to be taking it in stride—after all, Torontonians may be cold, but they’re not humourless. We’re not talking about people from Whitby or anything.*
Whilst we’re on the topic of messes, the Office of the Prime Minister might want to invest in some baby wipes after a press release announcing a five-year, fifty-million-dollar program to drive federal initiatives and infrastructure programs in Northern Canada drew the ire of its target audience with an unfortunate spelling error. When spelled correctly, Iqaluit means “many fish” in Inuktitut but, when an extra “u” is added (as was the case in yesterday’s release), the meaning changes to “people with unwiped bums,” according to Sandra Inutiq from the office of the Languages Commissioner of Nunavut. “It’s not exactly a nice term.”
Considering how the NDP narrowly escaped changing their name on Sunday to an acronym that, when pronounced in French, closely resembles a homosexual slur in Quebec, it’s frankly nonsensical that Liberal spokeswoman Jill Fairbrother isn’t taking advantage of her opponents’ gaffes—she’s dismissing a recent story suggesting a planned motion of non-confidence in order to spur a November election as “pure speculation from unnamed sources.” (Even Dalton McGuinty’s decision to implement a harmonized sales tax can’t kill this buzz!) Unless, of course, they’re looking to complete this political hat trick of fail with their own delicious linguistic blunder. The week isn’t over yet, after all…
And speaking of McGuinty, he’s expected to call what the Toronto Sun is calling a “real dogfight of a by-election” today in the riding of St. Paul’s that, according to the Toronto Star, could have “national implications.” Consider our breaths officially bated.
Not to belabour the concept of poop but, though some of us might rather go on a dream date with Councillor Rob Ford than step foot in Lake Ontario, Toronto’s beaches are apparently clean. If by “clean” they mean “not completely filled with nastiness,” that’s still an arguable point.
And in other crappy news, Toronto Hydro revealed yesterday that the stray voltage scare last winter, which shocked children and killed dogs, cost $14.3 million to address. Really. You had to whine about the price tag? Awesome.
Finally, if you were wondering why you were held up on the subway yesterday evening and haven’t looked at a newspaper, television, nor computer screen since you arrived home, Coxwell Station was shut down because some genius fired a gun.
*The author of today’s Newsstand is originally from Whitby and holds her hometown in the highest regard.