By Lori Dance

IKEA fans, prepare to become (more) disillusioned: Kerri Molinaros, president of IKEA, did not Make Every Space Beautiful. After a transparent guerrilla/astroturfing/look-at-us-being-edgy-like-skateboarders campaign was smacked down by resident smacker-downer Councillor Howard Moscoe as soon as it descended on our fair city, Molinaros offered “100% assurance…[that they have] removed all the chalk applications promoting the campaign.” Wanna see what a good job they did? Click here!
Apparently, it was not Hammer time on Saturday as the city of Hamilton fell short of beating the world record for largest guitar ensemble to play Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water,” but they still beat Toronto’s ass by 103. Yeah, well, at least we didn’t blame the paperwork, Loren Lieberman.
A woman is shaken but unhurt after being forced, at gunpoint, to drive from New Brunswick to Toronto. The Globe and Mail reports that the owner of the campsite where the woman was allegedly abducted says it’s unlikely that she was taken there because the suspect “would stick out like a soar thumb.” Police are investigating (the abduction, not the error).
A man posing as a courier attacked a mother and her child in Oakville, dousing them with pepper spray before he and his thugs ransacked their home. Police are warning residents to be vigilant when opening the door to anyone claiming to have a delivery (though it’s already suspicious if they actually ring the doorbell instead of scratching lightly at the door, smacking a “sorry we missed you” sticker on the knob, and hoofing it out of there).
Finally, in “duh” news, the Toronto Star reports that a “life jacket won’t work if you don’t wear it.” Seriously, though, it’s true. You’ll look like a dork, but you’ll be an alive dork. And that concludes our After School Special moment of the day.