By David Topping

We’ve (mercifully) not covered Perez Hilton since Monday morning, after he accused Will.I.Am of assaulting him following the Much Music Video Awards (which he would later explain was not Will.I.Am but the Black Eyed Peas’ manager, Polo Molina). But in case you haven’t been following along since, go go Gawker copter: Molina was charged with assault. Video surfaced of Hilton calling Will.I.Am “a fucking faggot” that night before he was punched (a photo, of course, later surfaced of the punch itself). The slur led the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) to demand an apology from Hilton. Hilton didn’t offer one at first, but then did, saying that he would donate all money from a pending lawsuit against Molina to the Matthew Shepard Foundation. Because of Hilton’s actions, though, the Matthew Shepard Foundation declined to accept Hilton’s money should the lawsuit be successful. Then, last night on his website, Hilton initially accused Michael Jackson of faking the cardiac arrest that would lead to the superstar’s death.
Looking at all of this, world-renowned local nobody Zack Taylor (you all remember Zack Taylor, right?), who as a “celebrity gossip blogger” has always fancied himself the next Perez Hilton, decided to try and capitalize on Hilton’s trainwreck of a week. We got the PR-sent email above just before midnight last night. Amidst totally unfounded claims to popularity (“With millions of viewers around the country”), it promises that “Gone are the days of…reporting false stories”; “Zack,” the email explains, “is hoping his website will attract more attention by being honest and standing up for the truth.”
But oh ho! What’s this email we got from Taylor mere hours before the one in which he promised such high journalistic standards!?

Whoops!
Goldblum definitely never died last night, which even Perez Hilton figured out. Five minutes after the email above, Taylor sent out another one to his mailing list of media outlets who do whatever they can to ignore him, titled “Jeff Goldblum is alive!!”, explaining that rumours of his death are “100% NOT TRUE.” That’s usually the sort of thing you want to try to in any way verify before reporting it if you’re the type of person committed to honesty. But that’s the thing: shoot for the stars, and you can sometimes reach the moon. Shoot for Perez Hilton, and the gutter’s as good as it gets.