By David Topping

Photo by Pe†e® from the Torontoist Flickr Pool.

On Friday, the City of Toronto announced the ten finalists for their anniversary song contest. The winning entry, to be announced on August 21 at the CNE, will get five thousand bucks and, the City’s press release gushes, “bragging rights as the songwriter of Toronto’s 175th anniversary song.”
You can listen to all of the finalists online at the City’s site now and vote for your favourite. Even though the public’s vote will count for only 20%—five “celebrity” judges (Mayor David Miller, Deputy Mayor Joe Pantalone, former MuchMusic VJ and current CP24 Breakfast host Matte Babel, Etalk reporter Traci Melchor, and North by Northeast Managing Director Andy McLean) will be the ones whose opinions’ll really matter—that didn’t stop us from spending all weekend carefully listening, over and over and over again, to every one of the finalists, trying to determine which of those brave entrants willing to sign away their lives to enter were the best in show.
So, whose entry is the best: The schoolteacher and his choir? The reasonably popular Toronto rapper? The jingle writer and Anne Murray guitarist? The couple whose supplied photo is of them posing in front of a bridge that is almost certainly not in Toronto? Since we are seriously the only media organization in the city that really cares that much about this, we’ve analyzed each entry and given each a rating out of five CN Towers—because, as you’ll see, the Tower, like diversity, is something of a recurring motif.

“T.Ode” by Abdominal and the Obliques (featuring Notes to Self)

TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ATTEMPTS TO CONVEY:
Diversity.
TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ACTUALLY CONVEYS:
Diversity. Nearly all of the finalists’ lyrics attempt to catalogue all that’s great about the city. As a result, nearly all of the finalists’ lyrics are literally and figuratively all over the place; it’s Abdominal—the most famous entrant and the one with the most cachet in his genre—who manages to make it all flow together, in part because he has, well, good flow, and in part because the name-dropping of sights, sounds, tastes, and experiences actually comes out as cohesive, rather than scattered.
SOUNDS LIKE:
Okay, it sounds most like Abdominal’s “T.Ode”—the more melancholy version of the song that the rapper released on 2007′s Escape From the Pigeon Hole, buoyed by horns rather than a slick guitar part. It doesn’t hurt that one celebrity judge endorsed the track then: on the album, David Miller introduces the song, saying: “Word on the street is you’ve got the unofficial Toronto anthem….you know I gotta hear that!”
SAMPLE LYRIC:
“Main Street, where I’m from, where I live, / Where I sung, where I spit, where I hung as a kid. / And if you wan’ go, it’s just west of Scarborough. / The home of bomb ‘dro, lost souls, and lawn gnomes.”

Lyrics
Chorus:
Whether you call it Toronto, the T.Dot or T.O.,
Screwface capital like Theo,
The Big Smoke, Hogtown, or Megacity,
It’s where I’m from, frankly couldn’t pick a better city
To call home, from the 401 to Skydome,
Scarborough over West to Etobicoke,
And all the parts lying in between,
I’m from Toronto, Abs lemme paint the scene.
Spent my childhood in Greektown, but now a west­-end denizen.
Buying cocoa bread and patties in Kensington,
Then pedaling Westbound to Lansdowne.
Shut off the headphones to allow familiar sounds
To enter my eardrums, hearing the hum and ding
Of the 506, old men grumbling
In Italian and Portuguese,
Over coffees at corner cafés.
Change the sensory focus to olfactory,
Factories pumping chocolate into the air, there’s Cadbury
And Nestle, in a two klick radius,
Making the air seem like something out of the craziest
Dream of Roald Dahl.
Sun lower now, paints me with a golden brow.
Tightly holding down my Dufferin Mall Kangol knockoff,
To block off the rays.
Change lanes, turn left at the No Frills.
Perched at the mouth of Parkdale, only the hill
Separates me from home and a hot shower.
But I stop to watch the Tower
For a few seconds, standing majestically,
Until a car horn snaps me from my reverie.
Push off the curb to my pad below.
So glad that I live in T.O.
(Chorus)
Main Street, where I’m from, where I live,
Where I sung, where I spit, where I hung as a kid.
And if you wan’ go, it’s just west of Scarborough.
The home of bomb ‘dro, lost souls, and lawn gnomes.
The east end, I gots to call home,
And all the spots I long for all across Toronto.
I’m down at Queen West just to take in graffiti
And to the Danforth for my favourite tzatziki.
Live from the centre of the universe,
I’m from Toronto, c’mon man do your worst.
Young disc jockeys play wrist hockey,
Train on the table­top, making the tables talk.
I buy my records at Rotate This
And Play De, that’s where you can locate this.
And if I need a flick I go to Queen Vid
Or Suspect. Hey yo Rosh, what’s next?
Let’s take ‘em to the comic book store,
I go to Comics and More
At Greenwood make a cross at Danforth.
And if you down for it, I’ll show you how the city does,
All the way from Chinatown to Little India,
From the Beaches to Roncesvalles,
Park­, to the Rex, to River­, to Rose­dale.
Really, you should come to our town,
Before the Leafs win the Cup and we tear the place down.
(Chorus)

“The Toronto We Know” by Lynn Harrison and David Leask

TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ATTEMPTS TO CONVEY:
Diversity.
TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ACTUALLY CONVEYS:
Defensiveness. “The Toronto We Know” works by defining the city against misconceptions of it, and as a result ends up feeling way more negative than a song that’s supposed to celebrate a city should be.
SOUNDS LIKE:
Formulaic but pleasant easy rock. It’s fine enough to listen to, and there are things to like about it, like the intro (a subway car rattling over the tracks) and the ending (featuring people shouting out the things that other people don’t know about in Toronto, like “souvlaki on the Danforth” and “the CNE!”), but because the lyrics—the song’s biggest weak spot—are so front-and-centre, there’s not much to save it.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
“It’s not such a big and scary place.”

Lyrics
They ask me why I stayed so long
“Don’t you know where you belong?”
They wonder why I’m still living in Toronto…
They said I’d never like it there
But I know they’ve got the wrong idea
Cause this is my home now and I’m proud to say so
They’re entitled to their opinion
It’s just one point of view but then again
They don’t know what I know
They don’t get to the places I go
They don’t know the Toronto that I know
It’s not such a big and scary place
With so many different smiling faces
People on the street will stop and say hello…
A city of so many neighbourhoods
Growing strong, doing good
Some see storms ahead, we see the rainbow
If they met us down by the waterside
They would see this town in a different light
They don’t know the Toronto we know
They can’t get to the places we go
They don’t know the Toronto that we know
As we scan the lake’s horizon
As we walk the streets
We’ve got the whole world at our feet.
They don’t know
They don’t know
They don’t know
They don’t know the Toronto we know
A meeting place to live and grow
They don’t know the Toronto that we know…
They don’t know the Toronto we know
Yesterday, today, and tomorrow
They don’t know the Toronto that we know…

“A World In One City” by Kevin “MAK” Watson

TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ATTEMPTS TO CONVEY:
Diversity.
TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ACTUALLY CONVEYS:
Constructed diversity.
SOUNDS LIKE:
Any late-’80s/early-’90s rock anthem that attempts to incorporate world music. “A World In One City” is the most anthemic of the entries, the song best suited to lingering establishing shots of the downtown core taken from helicopters—it’s the “Oh, oh T.O.” chorus that earns it that, in spite of Watson’s voice, which can’t quite carry the weight it needs to in the verses. At its worst, the forced eclecticism of the thrown-in instruments don’t hint at the city’s diversity so much as shout it, but propelled from the first moment by a strong beat, “A World” still works in spite of itself.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
“We’ve seen trouble, we’ve seen strife / We’re all here for a better life.”
Lyrics
Rising up out of nowhere
A world in one city
We’ve built a home that we all share
With our hearts at the ready
What we bring keeps us safe and strong
A place where we can all belong
Raise your voices in harmony
Let’s show the world how it’s meant to be
Oh, oh T.O.
Oh, T.O.
We’ve seen trouble, we’ve seen strife
We’re all here for a better life
We make the difference
We hear the call
Come on now people let’s show them all
Oh, oh T.O.
Oh, T.O.
We are the future, we’ve faced the past
We’ve come together let’s make it last
Raise your hands and raise the bar
Let’s show the world just who we are
Oh, oh T.O.
Oh, T.O.

“Electrify Toronto” by Lynzie Kent (ft. Maya Chilton and Constant Bernard)

TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ATTEMPTS TO CONVEY:
Diversity.
TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ACTUALLY CONVEYS:
Derivativeness.
SOUNDS LIKE:
A Kelly Clarkson B-side. “Electrify Toronto” isn’t bad, but it is exhaustingly formulaic (in both music and lyrics), seemingly written to go straight to the middle of the charts on adult contemporary radio, right down to the distractingly pitch-corrected vocals that only add to its insipidness.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
“More than a century of wisdom lies behind us / We’ve recognized that our differences can guide us.”
Lyrics
Three million faces, every one a different colour
From different places so there’s so much to discover
Moving quickly yeah, the bustle is infectious
Knowing deep down that something big connects us
And all the boys suit up in blue when it’s game night
The music rings from the Horseshoe under stage lights
And all the children go to bed wait for tomorrow
Dreaming ‘neath the CN Tower and its soft glow
Chorus:
Feel the rhythm of the street
Let it pulse beneath your feet
In the sun, in the snow
Electrify Toronto
Throw your arms into the sky
If you’ve been then you know why
Everyone wants to go
Electrify Toronto
If you’re hungry there is so much here to savour
Need a helping hand just reach out for your neighbour
More than a century of wisdom lies behind us
We’ve recognized that our differences can guide us
And all the people standing tall when life divides us
Knowing hope and faith and pride are here inside us
(Chorus)
See the lights shine on the lake and take it in
Yonge Street, the heartbeat, is where it begins
Feel the rhythm of the street
Let it pulse beneath your feet
In the sun, in the snow
(Chorus)

“My City’s Alive” by Major Music Productions (featuring Terrance Cross)

TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ATTEMPTS TO CONVEY:
Vitality (and, also, diversity).
TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ACTUALLY CONVEYS:
Inoffensiveness.
SOUNDS LIKE:
A hip-hop song that you and your parents would both find pleasant. “My City’s Alive” manages to be more than the sum of its parts, which, taken alone, don’t seem too great: a dripping beat that sounds a little like a sped-up version of the one in R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet,” happily AutoTuned vocals, and slice-of-life lyrics that are too general to convey much life. But the real strength of “My City’s Alive” is its production and the attention paid to the way the (many) parts fit and work together.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
“Looking at the city / Looking back at me / Staring at an equal opportunity”
Lyrics
Get up in the morning
Time to do my thing
Walking to the TTC
To catch my train
Looking at the city
Looking back at me
Staring at an equal opportunity
Pre­-Chorus:
It’s a place everywhere
You could see history
It’s the city I call home
Let me take you there
I could should you where
Where we feel alive
And we touch the sky
Chorus:
The city’s alive alive alive (In the day time)
The city’s alive alive alive (In the night life)
The city’s alive alive alive (I can feel it)
The city’s alive alive alive (Toronto)
There’s always something there
For everyone to do
The whole entire world
Is right in front of you
Everyone from every nationality
There turning dreams into their own reality
(Pre-Chorus)
(Chorus)
Bridge:
I’m proud to be
From this city
This place is where
We call our home
I’m proud to be
From this city
This place is where
We call our home
(Chorus)
(Bridge)

“Toronto Is My Home” by Matt Kalinich/The Matt Hutch Band

TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ATTEMPTS TO CONVEY:
Homeliness (in the good way)
TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ACTUALLY CONVEYS:
Homeliness (in the bad way)
SOUNDS LIKE:
A post-grunge Sam Roberts cover. There’s something wonderfully warm about the guitar riff that opens the song, and the drum beat that pops on top of it works well enough, but “Toronto is My Home” is quickly defeated by the too-scruffy vocals that don’t work with the melody, to say nothing of the lyrics, which, well…
SAMPLE LYRIC:
“It keeps me warm and safe and it breathes life into cultures of the world.”
Lyrics
Chorus:
I’m always coming back
No matter how I roam
Back to the place that I was born
For the love of southern Ontario
Toronto is my home
Toronto is my home
The greatest little home I’ve ever known
It keeps me warm and safe and it breathes life into cultures of the world
She comes alive at night
Those streets just hold me tight
Just like my baby’s arms
Holding me till dawn
Under the towers’ glass
The city calls my name
She is my burning flame
Can you see my baby’s eyes
Just watch the bright sunrise over Lake Ontario
(Chorus)

“The Toronto Song” by Matthew Leverty and the TDSB All-Stars

TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ATTEMPTS TO CONVEY:
Diversity.
TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ACTUALLY CONVEYS:
Low-budget but ultimately endearing earnestness.
SOUNDS LIKE:
A group of elementary school kids singing a capella about Toronto. “The Toronto Song” is performed by Jesse Ketchum Public School’s Primary Division Choir (of Grade 1–3 students; they’re the “TDSB All-Stars”), led by that school’s Primary Division Gym and Music Teacher (that’s “Mr. Leverty”), and it’s significantly less polished than all of the other entries, which is sort of the point. “The Toronto Song”‘s lyrics can be real charmers—like when the chorus of kids, who were definitely not born until after 1992, sing “I remember ‘92 when we beat the Braves!”—but the repetitive melody of the verse and the clap-along chorus, respectively, mean that the song, cute as it is, isn’t as strong a competitor as a few of the other entries.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
“It’s the Tee­Dot­Oh, Toronto the good, / They called it Hogtown when it was made out of wood. / It’s where I started and it’s where I’ll end, / Because in Toronto I have a friend.”
Lyrics
I’m going back to a place I know,
In a land they call Ontario.
I’ll be touching down about a quarter to three,
On the tarmac of Lester B.
Mr. Customs man is talking to me,
Est­-ce que je parlé français?
Mais Oui! Oui! Oui!
Hop on the 401 and I ain’t goin’ west,
‘Cause I’m goin’ to the city that I love best…
Chorus:
It’s the Tee­Dot­Oh, Toronto the good,
They called it Hogtown when it was made out of wood.
It’s where I started and it’s where I’ll end,
Because in Toronto I have a friend.
I love the Tee­Dot­Oh, I love the Tee­Dot­Oh.
Gonna head downtown, gonna have me some fun,
Gonna grab me some street meat in a bun.
Gonna go to the ROM for about an hour,
Then I’m going straight down to the CN Tower!
Gonna go to the hanger, gonna see the Raptors,
If you like the Argos, we can see them after.
‘Cause we got the Leafs, and we got the Jays,
I remember ‘92 when we beat the Braves!
(Chorus)
Now some people will say that Toronto ain’t bad,
But I’m telling you it ain’t no passing fad.
Better get here soon before your milk does curdle,
To the best darn city in the whole wide wordle!
(Chorus)
Even when it snows, I love the Tee­Dot­Oh!
I…love…the…Tee…Dot…Oh…

“City Glow” by Shobha Lee

TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ATTEMPTS TO CONVEY:
Diversity.
TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ACTUALLY CONVEYS:
Timidity.
SOUNDS LIKE:
A significantly less heart-wrenching version of Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car.” The guitar riff that anchors “City Glow” borrows (a lot) from “Fast Car,” and while that hook and the gentle vocals help make “Glow” pretty and mellow for a bit, it doesn’t take long for the song to lose its glow.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
“So everybody sees / All the faces / As many as the stars / From places / As many as the cars.”
Lyrics
Stoplight
Everybody freeze
Makes it so bright
So everybody sees
All the faces
As many as the stars
From places
As many as the cars
Late night
Everybody’s out
For a good time
Heading downtown
Where the music’s live
Find any kind of food
Any kind of vibe
There’s nothing you can’t find
Chorus:
Welcome to the city, all aglow
Some of us know it as TO
YYZ or simply dot the T
It’s your city
You could just call it home
Sunrise
Looking over people
Walkin’ lakeside
You’ll know where you are
By the skyline
Lit up by our tower
At nighttime
Keeping our heads high
(Chorus)
Stoplight
Everybody freeze
Makes it so bright
So everybody sees
All the faces
As many as the stars
From places
As many as the cars

“Love To Live In Toronto” by George Axon and Aidan Mason

TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ATTEMPTS TO CONVEY:
Diversity.
TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ACTUALLY CONVEYS:
1980s nostalgia.
SOUNDS LIKE:
If Bruce Springsteen (or, really, pick your favourite 1980s Heartland rocker) was commissioned to write a tourist-y song about Toronto. “Love To Live In Toronto” sounds exactly how you’d expect a universally pleasing song with its scope and goals to sound, from the unabashedly terrific new wave–y guitar riff, to the unashamed fist-pumping soft-rock anthem-ness of it all. (You probably wouldn’t be surprised to find out that the song’s writers are professional musicians, with Mason “best known for his guitar work with Anne Murray over the last thirty years” and Axon “working primarily as a jingle writer/producer.”) While the song takes the typical “everything but the kitchen sink” approach to describing Toronto, it’s moments like the chorus’ “In this city of hopes and dreams / We know what the good life means” that make “Love to Live In Toronto” rise above its station.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
“We all love to live in Toronto / And we come from everywhere / In this city of hopes and dreams / We know what the good life means / We all love to live in Toronto.”
Lyrics
It’s the sailboats on the water
It’s a walk in High Park
It’s the theatre lights
On warm summer nights
It’s a day at the baseball park
It’s skating down at City Hall
Cheering at the ACC
It’s the things we did
While being a kid
Hanging out at the CNE
Pre­ Chorus:
It’s the way we live together
No matter where we are from
That’s the Toronto spirit
And it’s here for everyone
Chorus:
We all love to live in Toronto
And we come from everywhere
In this city of hopes and dreams
We know what the good life means
We all love to live in Toronto
It’s the people on the subway
The red rockets on the street
Its boy meets girl
It’s the rhythms of the world
And we’re dancing to the beat
It’s the view from CN Tower
It’s the feeling in the neighbourhood
It’s when friends meet
For a bite to eat
In Toronto the Good
(Pre Chorus)
(Chorus)

“One Hundred Years & Seventy-Five” by the Bradleys (Dorice and KB Bradley)

TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ATTEMPTS TO CONVEY:
Diversity(?)
TORONTO ATTRIBUTE THAT IT ACTUALLY CONVEYS:
Internal inconsistency.
SOUNDS LIKE:
Queen meets the Buggles, sort of? It’s a (light) hard rock history lesson with a carnival melody and totally scattered lyrics, bookended by a lo-fi intro and outro. It’s all over the place.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
“The 1800’s saw Confederation / And soon thereafter almost half a million / People thriving in times of fortune and pain / Provides much more than just urbane”
Lyrics
Chorus:
Came to this city from a different part
It took my breath away and stole my heart!
We celebrate our culture, so alive
One-hundred years and seventy five
One! Two! Three! Four!
La Tour CN pour mois est très joyeuse
AGCO, the ROM are such amuse
Hey, don’t forget Danforth and Chinatown
Try Bloor West for a Tux an’ Gown.
The 1800’s saw Confederation
And soon thereafter almost half a million…
People thriving in times of fortune and pain
Provides much more than just urbane
Fur traders came to this Huron place
Revolutions heated John Simcoe’s race
To command a post
Hold back the States
Live in the place we call so cool
In fact impress Etienne Brulé….
(Chorus)

All images courtesy of the City of Toronto, save for Major Media Music’s studio shot, which is from their MySpace. CN Tower photo by Miles Storey.