By Christopher Bird

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

Monday

A new episode of Gossip Girl, which gets way much more buzz than it deserves considering it’s a pretty average teen soap with occasionally clever flashes of writing and with ratings that are… you know, bad and stuff. That is about as much as Televisualist wants to write about Gossip Girl ever again, until they shoot somebody or have John Stamos show up in a cameo role. Because you don’t deny the Stamos. (A-Channel, 8 p.m.)
Newsworld airs Oil: Apocalypse Now?, which is listed as “the myths and conspiracy theories surrounding our world’s oil supplies.” Newsworld documentaries have a pretty solid track record of getting issue documentaries like this one mostly right on facts, so it’s probably worth watching—although in truth a more appropriate title for this show would be Oil: Oh Shit We’re So Fucked or Oil: Get In Line For Your Prius Right Now. (10 p.m.)

Tuesday

Season premiere of House! Last season, House was even more of an asshole than usual, which culminated in him being unable to save Wilson’s girlfriend. Now, a grief-stricken Wilson leaves the hospital! How will House and Wilson’s sublimated gay relationship handle this twist? I’m not sure, but I bet this episode will have somebody with a disease that nobody can quite figure out until House figures it out. (Global, 8 p.m.)
Televisualist caught the premiere of Privileged last week, and let’s just say you’re better off reading a book. (City, 9 p.m.)
The Biggest Loser: Families continues the endless Bataan Death March of Biggest Loser spinoffs, variants, and so forth (I understand that by 2010 NBC plans to have a lineup of 30 Rock and twelve different Biggest Losers). This time the teams of two are related! Because they’re families! Remember, watching people lose weight is very nearly almost like losing weight yourself! (NBC, 8 p.m.)

Wednesday

For those wondering, the early analysis of So You Think You Can Dance Canada is “worthy successor.” Tre Armstrong (How She Move) is a fantastic judge, insightful and eloquent. Jean-Marc Generaux’s crazy Quebecois nature fits in a lot better in a Canadian context than it did on the American show. Plus, Blake McGrath is a bitchy diva and it is fabulous. (CTV, 8 p.m.)
A very special episode of Wipeout, where the hosts learn a valuable lesson about cerebral palsy. No, no, they’ll just show “highlights” of the season, as people get pummelled by their stupid obstacle course, and the hosts make “funny” comments that add as much value as dumping a mound of shit on your carpet adds to the carpet. (Global, 9 p.m.)

Thursday

This week, TVO is airing an interesting documentary series called Admission Impossible, about the travails of six families trying to enroll their kids in high school in England, where there is vigorous competition to place children in the “best” public high schools. The first episode aired Wednesday at 9 p.m.; the second airs tonight. It looks really quite fascinating in the way that bureaucratic practices that seem normal elsewhere can be utterly incomprehensible here. (9 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Radio Bart,” where Bart tricks everybody into thinking he’s little Timmy trapped in a well and then falls down the well for real. Sting’s guest appearance is possibly one of the most inspired cameos in Simpsons history. “Shut up, Marge! He’s a good digger!” (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)

Friday

If you are a Doctor Who fan then you’ve already seen the entire season by downloading it illegally, more likely than not. On the off chance you are one of those few remaining Doctor Who fans who do not know about Bittorrent, the most recent season premieres on the CBC tonight. Donna Noble is widely acclaimed in fan circles as the best companion ever. Televisualist personally remains devoted to the criminally underutilized Freema Agyeman as Martha Jones. (9 p.m.)
Teletoon has Family of the Pride, the shortlived CGI-animated sitcom about Siegfried and Roy’s white lions, in rotation now. The Siegfried and Roy voice actors, at least, make this worth a watch. Not much else does, though. (10 p.m.)
Matilda is just about perfect as Roald Dahl adaptations go, as children’s movies go, and as movies go period. If you haven’t seen it, you are a lesser being, not quite worthy of being called “fully human.” And you don’t want that, do you? (Family Channel, 9 p.m.)