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18 Comments

news

More Bad Meat, Don’t Sea-Doo Into America, and The Mix Gets Virginal

taintedsandwich.jpg
The listeria-tainted meat recall grows even bigger as the pre-made sandwiches available at Mac’s Milk stores are now under suspicion. This seems suspicious to Torontoist, seeing as how the sandwiches at Mac’s are clearly made out of plastic. Meanwhile, over a dozen deaths are linked to the outbreak, and your hippie cousin called you up and said “I told you this is what happens when you don’t let the animals roam free, man. Hey, do you have any weed?”
Two Torontonians Sea-dooing along the Niagara River who nearly drowned and made their way to the United States side of the river are in trouble, because the United States charged them with unlawful entry to the country. American authorities only released the two after Canadian consulate officials flexed their mighty diplomatic muscles. Either that, or someone with a little authority said, “You’re holding who for what?”
Six men escaped from a Regina prison late Sunday evening, and five of them still at large. Said one of the guards, “I told them and I told them, this one guy has an entire escape plan tattooed on his body, but no, Dougie, they told me, you’re just being paranoid. Well, who’s laughing now, smartasses?”
Ontario muncipalities will get $1.1 billion this year to pay for municipal infrastructure repair and upgrades. However, the municipalities needed $50 billion. Dalton McGuinty’s suggestion: use coupons!
The Mix 99.9 is changing its name to Virgin Radio. The radio station promises that listening to it will deliver a “very ‘Virgin’ kind of listening experience.” They really said that. That’s not the joke. The joke was going to involve “Roll The Bones” by Rush, but then I just felt old.
Photo by Stefano Cecere.

Comments

  • rek

    It’s no surprise they ended up adrift in the river if they were ski-dooing there this time of year.

  • james a

    So… does this mean that Mix 99 was bought by virgin? They are leasing the name? They’re hoping to co-opt it? Way to answer the obvious questions, National Post!

  • David Newland

    More jokes at the expense of unfortunate victims? I had hoped that was behind us.

  • David Topping

    @rek: we’re gonna fix that momentarily. Our posting system decided that now would be a good time to lock us out of the ability to access all our articles.

  • Gauldar

    Ahh well, the dead don’t complain. That’s why I like them. You know, in the end we’re all just meat. Some of us are aged, others spoiled, but what matters the most is the quality. Speaking of which, I need to do exercise today and try and get leaner. I mean, you never know when you might be eaten.

  • Mark Ostler

    I read the joke as actually poking fun at all the vegetarians that are saying “I told you so” (of which I sort-of am one). I thought the hippie dialogue was really funny. It doesn’t mean I regret the loss of life any less.

  • Vincent Clement

    I like how CBP agents say they have no discretion. Unless their computer or a superior tells them otherwise, they have complete discretion.
    Good thing that US Customs and Border Patrol wasted their limited resources are arresting two guys who were of zero threat to US security.
    The dog and pony show known as Homeland Security continues.

  • spacejack

    I have one word for vegetarians: tomatoes.

  • Ben

    Awesome LOLCat. I LOL’ed.

  • Gauldar

    nah, that’s a LOLdog. Plenty more at http://www.icanhascheezburger.com, just choose the tab loldogs.

  • Mark Ostler

    spacejack: I realize that vegetables can become tainted with deadly bacteria, but it seems to happen to meat much more often and a lot more easily too. I also don’t actually go up to people and say “I told you so” when tainted meat scandals arise. I was just being a bit self-deprecating by lumping myself in with the hilarious hypothetical hippie.

  • fantasygoat

    That looks like a cat to me.

  • Gauldar

    Hmm, now that I look closer yeah, it probibly is. The lack of a visible head kinda throws you off.

  • spacejack

    Seems to or does… would be interesting to find out, should anyone care to do the research. Listeria can apparently grow on vegetables or meat.
    Anyway, I was just responding to the fictional militant vegetarian character depicted in the article.

  • Mark Ostler

    I’d also like to find out. It would also be interesting to research how easy it would be to avoid such contamination. It shouldn’t be that hard to avoid killing people with food in this day and age.
    I like how the hippie tries to score weed after his little rant, too.

  • Gauldar

    You’d be surprised. From all these antibiotics we take we have weakened our immune systems to the point where things we could have resisted years ago now have harsher effects on us. People elsewhere in the world eat food that is not as “clean” as ours, but their bodies have built up the resistances to deal with it.

  • Gauldar

    Regarding the Listeria infected meat, the government states that it was due to baccterial contamination, but I know a conspiracy when I hear one!

  • rek

    There were multiple vegetable contamination problems across the US last year and the year before involving bean sprouts (e. coli), bagged salads and lettuce I think. Take that, vegans!