By Sarah Nicole Prickett

Snappy Answers runs every Saturday afternoon. Send your questions, be they tough or trivial, to snappyanswers@torontoist.com.

So, beards. Is there some sort of general Toronto women consensus on whether they are appealing or appalling? Is the fact that I have a beard of a length that is less two-day stubble and more, say, dude from Band of Horses, ruining my chances of attracting a mate? Do I even want to be with someone who can’t appreciate the majesty of a full-length beard?
Beardfully yours,
Hans Langseth

Dear Hans,
Evidently, you have never been in the company of more than two females at a time; if you had, you’d know there’s really no such thing as a “women consensus.” And on the subject of male facial expression, we find opinions to be razor-sharply divided: girls who like their spit-swapping partners clean shaven like them squeaky clean, while girls who think a little fuzz is hot rarely ever go for a guy without. On the other hand, girls who dig beards (at least the girls we know) do so because they dig the beard-bearer and his style, not because they’re uncontrollably wet for My Morning Jacket.
As for your indie rock inspiration, it’s important to remember that dudes in bands (especially those of horses) are, well, dudes in bands. And until someone tells them that indie rock is dead, they will continue to get away with not only not shaving, but not showering, brushing their hair (or teeth), or changing their skinnies (or skivvies) for days on end… and still spend every night with a different keffiyeh-scarved hopeful.
So, assuming you’re not lined up to play the Opera House anytime soon, is your five o’clock (last year) shadow leaving you a castaway in an ocean of potential lovers? Not exactly. Sure, it’s a turn-off for some, but for others, it’s something that makes you stand out. And if your mammoth woolly of a chin-warmer is the only thing separating you from the next six guys in sneakers and plaid flannel, then don’t shave it; save it for someone who will, as you say, appreciate its majesty. In a way, it makes a golden rule for dating: if the babe lets you keep your beard, you keep her around in the morning.
Many kisses, rash and all,
Snappy Answers.
P.S. Fair’s fair: if you’re allowed to have a beard so thick, your lips are near-invisible, well, so is she. Think about that for a second.