May 31, 2008
Snappy Answers: To Beard or Not To Beard?
Snappy Answers runs every Saturday afternoon. Send your questions, be they tough or trivial, to snappyanswers@torontoist.com.
So, beards. Is there some sort of general Toronto women consensus on whether they are appealing or appalling? Is the fact that I have a beard of a length that is less two-day stubble and more, say, dude from Band of Horses, ruining my chances of attracting a mate? Do I even want to be with someone who can't appreciate the majesty of a full-length beard?
Beardfully yours,
Hans Langseth
Dear Hans,
Evidently, you have never been in the company of more than two females at a time; if you had, you'd know there's really no such thing as a "women consensus." And on the subject of male facial expression, we find opinions to be razor-sharply divided: girls who like their spit-swapping partners clean shaven like them squeaky clean, while girls who think a little fuzz is hot rarely ever go for a guy without. On the other hand, girls who dig beards (at least the girls we know) do so because they dig the beard-bearer and his style, not because they're uncontrollably wet for My Morning Jacket.
As for your indie rock inspiration, it's important to remember that dudes in bands (especially those of horses) are, well, dudes in bands. And until someone tells them that indie rock is dead, they will continue to get away with not only not shaving, but not showering, brushing their hair (or teeth), or changing their skinnies (or skivvies) for days on end... and still spend every night with a different keffiyeh-scarved hopeful.
So, assuming you're not lined up to play the Opera House anytime soon, is your five o'clock (last year) shadow leaving you a castaway in an ocean of potential lovers? Not exactly. Sure, it's a turn-off for some, but for others, it's something that makes you stand out. And if your mammoth woolly of a chin-warmer is the only thing separating you from the next six guys in sneakers and plaid flannel, then don't shave it; save it for someone who will, as you say, appreciate its majesty. In a way, it makes a golden rule for dating: if the babe lets you keep your beard, you keep her around in the morning.
Many kisses, rash and all,
Snappy Answers.
P.S. Fair's fair: if you're allowed to have a beard so thick, your lips are near-invisible, well, so is she. Think about that for a second.
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"If the babe lets you keep your beard, you keep her around in the morning."
Personally, I'm inclined against guys who a) view me as some kind of pubic hair authority / "shrill wife" stereotype who beneficently "lets" the supposedly bumbling, incapable menfolk retain parts of their own bodies and b) treat me as a potentially useful appliance / sexual object stereotype who is either "kept around" (for what?) or discarded after sex.
But then, I don't identify as "babe", so I guess none of this applies to me away.
If that's the golden rule, you can shove it up your patriarchy.
My personal poll tells me 78.3% of women prefer me clean-shaven, however if I had a weak jaw line which needed hiding that number would drop dramatically.
If you find someone who's only fault is a need to give you a makeover, consider yourself lucky.
A full beard is a signal that you are either suffering from a serious, untreated mental disease, or that you are some sort of Marxist professor or radical. In either case you should be apprehended by the authorities and either put in treatment or shot, but in no way are you a good or credible prospect for the interest of a lady.
See Chris Robinson for evidence of the former, and Ken Livingstone during his first run as Mayor of London for the second.
A very closely trimmed goatee can work on some people, but if you need to ask...
When I saw in the Recent Comments sidebar "RealityCheck on Snappy Answers: To Beard or Not To Beard?" I thought, oh, wow, RealityCheck on beards, I wonder what he's gonna say?
Mr. Check, you did not disappoint.
realitycheck was once a good satirist, in that what he used to say was believable enough. there was always a bit of doubt as to whether he was for real or not, and he knew just how to rile people up. unfortunately, he's obviously lost his skills, as this is way too over the top to be taken remotely seriously. i'm sure that with a bit of work and some refinement of his writing he can get back into the game though.
Confession: I was a Marxist for a while, but I didn't have a beard. I felt like half a person.
mark0: That's because marxists are half-people.
Pickletoes saves the day!
I guess ad homs aren't that bad after all, eh PickleTroll?
montauk: patriarchy? excuse me? i'm a woman and a feminist. i call males babes too, all the time. even the ones i don't keep around in the morning.
rek: Well I'm not attacking any specific person, so I thought it would be okay.
Sarah: Patriarchs wear beards, typically long white ones but even a well-trimmed goatee is usually indicative of patriarchal tendencies. By supporting, or at least failing to oppose the wearing of beards, you make yourself part of the patriarchal oppressionary class.
Beards are pretty awesome, although their not as cool as a full grown moustache. Nevertheless, I think some of the posters here are beardophobes.
Confidence is key. Rock it, and the chicks will come.
(In more ways than one, yes.)
>montauk: patriarchy? excuse me? i'm a woman and a feminist. i call males babes too, all the time. even the ones i don't keep around in the morning.
took the words right out of my mouth!
hahahaha