Sex and the City is all over the place. Lead character Carrie's draped on the side of a Yorkville building accompanied by the worst tagline ever: "Get Carried away." Groan. Kim Cattrall is here, here, and here in reruns going over stuff she'd already mentioned when the show ended: yes, you're right to get paid more; no, you're not anything like Samantha; and, maybe, we'll forget that you wrote a sex book. On the radio, the theme has had a botched chemical peel and ended up as a heinous Fergie track. And that's only the beginning.

Brace yourself, fair city, for as we get closer to the opening day for the film, the hysteria will pick up. Expect a flurry of Sex-themed parties that will promise fun, fabulousness, and, er, more fabulousness? Sorry to burst visions of Manolos and cosmopolitans dancing in your heads, girls, but attending a pre-packaged party to show your fabulousness is like sending yourself flowers to make other people jealous.

And when the films opens on May 30, stay clear of the theatres. Sure, old-school City fans may find it nostalgic to catch the film Saturday evening—when Bravo used to show episodes during the show's original run—but it's better to hold off for two good reasons. One, you'll avoid the tweens that will be out in force bombarding fellow moviegoers with constant, incessant ohmigods and cringe-worthy anecdotes of middle school sexventures. Two, you'll avoid the adult version of the tweens—you know, the ones who are like the booziest, tackiest guests at a bachelorette party. Save yourself the 90 minutes of alcohol-induced drunken arguments of: "I'm sooooo Carrie." "Whatever, girl. I am Carrie." "No, you're Samantha, because you're a slut!" "Oh, yeah. I am."

(P.S. If anyone—boy or girl—asks you to go see Sex and the City as a first or second date, walk—no, run!—far, far away. It's the equivalent of your date describing to you his or her dream wedding followed by his or her dream baby name. Seriously.)

What to do instead on the weekend? Why not celebrate Toronto the way that Carrie unabashedly loves New York. On Friday, head to the Toronto School of Circus Arts and drop-in for a flying trapeze class. Flying through the air with the greatest of ease will not only get you an awesome work-out, but circus arts performers have bodies that'll blow your big top. (Sorry, couldn't help it.) For Saturday, spend the night at Crews and Tango, where you can dance it up with the gays and enjoy a drag show to boot. We guarantee there's always a handful of cute straight guys that'll have been, ahem, dragged to the bar. Finally, Sunday, go ahead and catch the late show of Sex and the City. Carrie et al. played in the States on HBO every Sunday night, so it's fitting in a way. Wear your best shoes, think up a pun or two, and settle in for the Big event.

Just don't tell us who dies.

Image from the Sex and the City website.