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news

Zoo Goes Green, Tories May Have Improperly Applied Green, Conrad Black’s Face Looks Green

By Christopher Bird

news_022908.jpgToronto Zoo to go green. The Zoo will now focus on biodiversity and sustainability while presenting animals from around the world in small, depressing, joke-like habitats that offer a crude mockery of how the animals would prefer to live, focusing on the fact that while their lives in the zoo might suck, at least nobody is killing these animals for fun, as would frequently happen in the wild.
Prince Harry being withdrawn from Afghanistan. It was all right when nobody knew he was serving there, but now that the media’s decided to admire him he can no longer be admirable because it would endanger both himself and his unit. Moral: the media is the devil and Patrick Metzger should feel deeply ashamed for what he done because he knows what he did.
New book charges that Stephen Harper knew about a bribe to independent MP Chuck Cadman to topple the previous Liberal minority government. Ah, no big deal! It’s just a federal crime, after all.
McGuinty pledges to help retrain laid-off workers. Yes, soon we will all be able to replace our lost auto manufacturing jobs with the very newest phone-banking, burger-slinging and roadside-repair positions. It’s like a dream come true!
Conrad Black loses bid to be freed on bond, will have to report to a Florida prison on Monday. Torontoist advises Conrad Black to spend his last free weekend learning how not to drop the soap.
Photo by hellembry from the Torontoist Flickr Pool.

Comments

  • WannaBinToranna

    The Royals can thank the American, right-wing, Drudge (Sludge) Report for breaking the media blackout on Harry. Funny, how the reich-wingers accuse us on the left of endangering the troops.
    “Hello, Prince Harry, yes, I’m here to paint a giant red bulls-eye on your back…oh, and you other blokes who are serving with him, gather `round.”

  • rek

    Bribe scandal!
    I’m outraged!
    Rabble rabble rabble!
    Let’s Paul Martin these crooks right out of office!
    “Sponsorship” indeed!

  • David Newland

    Somehow the old rhubarb about people being raped in prison lives on, despite never having been funny.

  • mickih

    I had the same thought — that prison rape “joke” was in incredibly poor taste.

  • x_the_x

    Somehow the phrase “old rhubarb” lives on, despite me never hearing it before. I like it.
    I’ve never been a fan of this writer’s particular brand and style of amplified sarcasm and smug superiority, but “drop the soap” jokes? What time is recess?

  • WannaBinToranna

    Adam Sandler (Or Norm MacDonald), prison-gang-rape scene, take one.
    Well, I’d like to sit down, but ya’ see, I was gang-raped in prison. Ya see, they have this soap, but it doesn’t come with a rope and I, I uh, dropped it and, uh, well, without a rope, I had to bend over to pick it up and, well, as you can see from me not being able to sit down… I was gang-raped in prison.
    it’s kinda funny.

  • canphilly

    Let’s see:
    Jokes about families of dead soldiers.
    Jokes about prison rape.
    If he can manage to work a holocaust joke in tomorrow, you’ll have a real winner on your hands here, torontoist.
    Insensitive and edgy are very different things.

  • Skippy the Magical Racegoat

    Regarding the soap-dropping: I would’ve gone with something like “spend his last free weekend learning how to whittle a toothbrush down to a fine point.”
    That’s going on my guess that the Church Ladies coming to Torontoist to virtually cluck their tongues would probably accept a murder gag, whereas aggravated homosexual assault would be considered “taboo.”

  • canphilly

    actually, my objection isn’t the transgressing of a taboo. my issue is with the thug mentality that thinks prison rape (and yes, prison murder) is funny and even deserved because we don’t like the people it’s happening to.
    it’s exactly the same thing as “have fun in Gitmo” jokes the right wing peanut gallery makes when a brown person is arrested without cause.
    it’s a sign of a cruel childlike mentality and i would have liked to think the torontoist had higher standards.
    and, all that aside, i would be much more likely to forgive an offensive and tasteless joke if it had even a shred of originality or, you know, humour. But instead all we get is “someone’s going to jail? wear a nice dress for Bubba.”

  • Doggiez

    Few may realize that the brillaint Conrad Black branched out recently, expanding his empire from publishing to cosmedics. One of his fine products is available at
    http://www.soaponarope.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=soap&Product_Code=7051&Category_Code=A

  • McKingford

    Oh please, please, please let this mean that Stephen Harper has to go to jail.

  • x_the_x

    re: skippy
    I objected not out of offence (there is very little left of that in my world) but because it is such hackneyed gag.
    I would have said “the writer can do better”, but I don’t really believe that.

  • Dipp