Stocks Stagger, Stelmach Stretches, Star Staff Striking

By Patrick Metzger

Unionized Toronto Star employees met at a downtown hotel yesterday and voted 96% in favour of a strike, or as the Star itself might say, “Star Employees Vote To Strike At Hotel.”
In another sign of potential economic trouble on the horizon, the benchmark TSX stock index dropped 623 points in two days. While most issues declined, analysts declared themselves bullish on several sectors, including rural real estate, bottled water, and firearms.
The San Diego medical examiner reported yesterday that Ike Turner’s death last month was caused by a cocaine overdose. A spokesman for the family said, “He died doing what he loved.”
Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach told participants in an energy forum in Washington D.C. that the idea that the Alberta oil sands projects are environmentally unsound is a “myth.” As the audience sat in stunned silence, Stelmach slipped out to join U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney in toasting the Dark Lord with a skull full of virgin’s blood.
Possibly buoyed by their showing in the recent census, a First Nations organization has annuounced they will be collecting “royalties” from developers and businesses on disputed land in Southern Ontario, implying disruptive protests and possible violence against those who don’t comply. Tony Soprano would be proud.
Photo by kitsch:in:sync from the Torontoist Flickr Pool.