Televisualist: Barney, Micah, and Vince Kartheiser

MONDAY

If you're one of those kids who learned all about markets from waking up during summer vacation to watch The Price Is Right, then definitely give tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother (8:30 p.m., the CH) your time. Not just for the references, either, but because Neil Patrick Harris' Barney is one of the truly great comic creations in the last few years.

Alternately, Bravo is showing West Side Story at 8 p.m. Interesting: Starweek's four-star movie rating system gives West Side Story four stars, and Independence Day three. So a timeless classic musical, one of the most beloved films of the 20th century, is only twenty-five percent better than Will Smith punching an alien in the face. Way to go, Starweek.

TUESDAY

The Canadian run of Top Chef's third season begins tonight (Food Network, 9 p.m.), and if you haven't seen the American episodes via Bittorrent yet, allow Torontoist to sum up: as usual, the half of the contestants who are female are rapidly eliminated before the halfway point of the show, and you will wonder once again why Padma Lakshmi, whose most notable act is and was marrying Salman Rushdie, is allowed to judge anything at all, ever. On the bright side, Ted Allen from Queer Eye is a regular judge this season, and Ted Allen is awesome sauce.

MuchMusic's site sums up Born to Be (9:30 p.m. plus god knows how many repeats) as follows: "Some artists luck into fame, while others are "Born To Be". From humble roots to world chart domination, this in depth career-capsulizer exposes the gritty details, life events and character traits behind artists including Usher, Eminem and Avril Lavigne—those that were clearly destined for superstardom." Fine and good, but tonight's episode is about Ashlee Simpson. If you listen carefully, you can hear Steve Anthony in the background, crying.

WEDNESDAY

FUCK YEAH. The Dirty Dozen. (AMC, 8 p.m.).

If you are in the mood for something much less fantastic but still tolerably good in a different sort of way, catch the pilot episode of Dawson's Creek (7 p.m., Vision), and relive Dawson and Pacey's budding romance all over again. Then giggle at James Van Der Beek's name, because that never gets old.

THURSDAY

If you care about it, you probably don't need to be told, but: the New Orleans Saints and the Indianapolis Colts kick off this year's NFL football season. (NBC, 8:30 p.m., with a "kickoff special" at 8 if you're really desperate).

If you don't like football, AMC has a new episode of Mad Men, (10 p.m.) which is really engrossing in a sort of realistic-depiction-of-50s-sexism way. You may not like most of the characters that much, but nobody really liked most of the characters on The Sopranos either, and did that stop people from watching? (Plus: the fashions? Sharp.)

FRIDAY

ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP! Blood and broken noses and tight shorts! Spike reruns #70 at 9 p.m., and rest assured there is a lot of violence and people grappling in an extreme combination of violence and homoeroticism.

And if you've been looking for that little extra oomph you needed to kill yourself, TLC has four straight hours of What Not To Wear starting at 8 p.m.